Changes

This is the end, my faithful friends, the end....
well...not really but, that line has been replaying over and over in my head the past 24 hours! I had my six week post-op check-up with the plastic surgeon yesterday and last week I had a very good check-up with my Oncologist so I kind of feel as if I am done with stage one and now on to stage two!!!!

Now at this point you may be saying what the heck is K talking about?!?!?! She finished chemo like last year, which is totally true...but I don't consider that a battle in my war against Breast Cancer...that was just a specific skirmish which I have named...chemo:)
I consider there to be three battles with regard Breast Cancer FOR ME(note the very key words FOR ME-this means these are my battles in my war plan and that is all, just for me)
Battle one-The Yuck- it includes chemo and surgeries and recovery from all of that
Battle two-The In Between- it includes the time after that until 5 or 8 years(depending on which vein of research you want to believe)
Battle three-The Survivor- when I am beyond and have beaten the stats

So there ya have it....my war plan has been laid out..to fight any and all skirmishes through this next battle~The In Between~ and then to move onto the final battle. Since you have been entrusted with this ....please don't share this with the enemy, k? Thanks:) LOL

Anyway...as I alluded to above, both appointments went well. My oncologist didn't even recognize me at first!!!! I have shed all of my chemo weight-yay-which btw ...they warn you about at chemo, but having grown up with the movie images we had of chemo patients, gaunt and nauseous, it was hard to imagine the opposite..until I looked in a mirror! Regardless...I know that at the time it was also what my body needed. To be able to eat and rest and fight and then just regenerate...that was how it won those chemo skirmishes! So flash to now...I feel great and...can fit into my jeans from before-yay-the only downfall to the appointment was the excessive bloodletting that was required of me!!!!!!!!!!!
It taught me several things;
1-Be insistent about where blood will come out successfully
2-ONLY offer that BODY PART!!!!
3-REPEAT

I love all the nurses that are in every field because they do it and I couldn't. But...when a patient tells you blood only really comes out of one particular vein after they have had chemo....please accept that they are truly just trying to make it easy on everyone..I swear. So after multiple bruises, sticks and draws, it was determined that I was doing good, all markers were good and all other counts were great! I go back at the beginning of March..and that is all...good:)

And onto the plastics:) Which, once there, that wonderful doctor also said I/they look great:P and I now really don't have to wear a bra except to exercise. I have been wearing the sports bras they gave me 24/7 since surgery. I have been very...well...scared about not wearing a bra because I am NOT doing that again until absolutely necessary! So I really wanted them to ...."set" well:D So now I begin the big quest for a bra that will fit....maybe my years of being a swimsuit fitter will help me design a bra line.......or maybe just a few for me! However...that quest will have to wait a few weeks as I will not be shopping anytime before 2010 except for groceries and paper products(which I have to get later today:) )

So at this point I am thinking of organizing all of these posts into a book.....I also have poems that I wrote as well as rants that never made it on here and the girls wrote some things too, but....well...I think it is the logical next step. This does not mean My Mishmash will stop or go away.....it would just go back to being what I originally intended it to be...a place for K to rant, brag, wax poetically and bring you updates about her life and family. Soooooo, I will keep you all posted-LOL.

For now though, I will wish you a Merry Christmas, God Jul, Buone Feste Natalizie, Feliz Navidad, Feliz Natal and Chuc Mung Giang Sinh!

Love and Blessings-
K

Blog ya later:)

Huzzah!!!

I am done!!!!!!

With reconstruction that is! I have no drains, no vest o'death and I don't even have to wear the stupid tight athletic bra 24/7 anymore!!!!!!!! My doctor did say to achieve the best results I should continue to wear a bra during the day for the next 4 weeks to 4 months.....since apparently it takes that long for the protective sac to completely reform around the muscle....ok, I can do that because I can wear any kind of bra I want. Of course that provides a whole new set of challenges as I came home after the appointment and tried on one of the old bras I had saved because it was one of my pretty lacy ones ~I guess I was kind of hoping that I might be able to wear it again on special occasions if I wanted to...alas, it didn't really fit...sigh.

Now..let me explain a bit though....my now mostly perfect breasts are a beautiful teardrop shape.....take a second and imagine that ....... then imagine most every bra you have ever seen/worn......they operate on the premise that you are rounder and usually need some 'lift' .....see where I'm headed?!?!?! So while the D under wire is actually perfect for the bottom of my boobies.....the top.....well let's just say there was enough material flapping that a strong breeze could potentially fly me like a kite. Ok, not really...but that mental image was just too entertaining to pass up(admit it...when you think of it like that it makes you laugh doesn't it :D )

So on the advice of a very dear friend I will be shopping for a demi style bra and a few camisoles or tanks with shelf bras to wear around the house and at night. I would rather have to do that or even sleep in the dreaded athletic bra I have now than risk having to go back in and have her repair a "migrating" boob and start all over again.

Other than that and not being able to lift weights(cause you know I do that soooo much) or hang from bars(also an activity I participate in regularly....NOT) I am pretty much free to do as I please. I have decided for my peace of mind..and so as to not have to redo this anytime soon.. to wait until after spring break to participate in volleyball though....sigh....kinda sad about that as I was really excited, but then again...it will be worth the wait in the long run.

So while I do not have to "worry" about my boobies and the reconstruction anymore...I will never stop worrying about cancer. There is always a chance it can come back, and while that chance gets slimmer each year further away I get....it does not go away...EVER. So please remember that when talking to anyone who has battled cancer...while they may have won the battle....the war is never won per se....it may just end up being a stalemate for the rest of their lives but there will always be that specter of the big C haunting them from the other side and it will never be over....NEVER....it will only be better. My life is better now...my life is awesome actually, but that specter still hovers on the sidelines and while I am trying to not cower in fear and make every decision based on the what-ifs....I will never be completely cured....until they actually discover a cure, that's the bottom line.

On a completely different note...my little Bella(yes she has changed her name this year...which is highly ironic since I wanted to call her Bella years ago and she stubbornly insisted that is was just Belle...like Belle-beauty~from Beauty and the Beast~now oddly enough some other movie character has influenced that decision!) now has contacts!!!!!!! She looks beautiful, she always did, but it is so nice not to have her big brown eyes hidden behind glasses anymore. And man o man....it just brings into focus how much I really do need to be around for the years to come because otherwise Ed could end up in jail in about 7 years after fighting off the boys who will come beating down the door for the girls:P

Ok...soooo, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and remember all of the things you get to be thankful and take time to appreciate them as we enter the busy holiday season.

Blog ya later-
K

Un-freaking-believable

DO NOT BELIEVE OR FOLLOW WHAT THEY ANNOUNCED TODAY!!!!!!

FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD~PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE LADIES

FEEL YOUR BOOBIES REGULARLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am utterly appalled at the news, at the group, at the insanity of what they are spouting. Are you kidding me????????? Don't do self exams because you might scare yourself?!?!?!? What does that mean...that we as women are not capable of rationally dealing with our own bodies??? That we are to be sheltered so we never have to "worry" unnecessarily about ourselves???? REALLY? I would rather worry unnecessarily than not know until it was too late because I had a false sense of security. I find it insane that not one of the doctors on this panel was an oncologist either.....that makes no sense at all. Why wouldn't you even have just one person who specializes in that area on board?????? Can you tell I'm a bit mad?

As for the mammo issue....sigh.....I am torn. It's a different beast. But, having said that...I think getting a baseline regardless of your "risk" at 40 is a good idea, then at least you would have something to compare it to if you had to at any point between 40 and 50. That is logical...that makes sense. But a blanket statement that it is not necessary is just plain evil, yep, there I've said it, EVIL. There is no reason to condemn women to live through the hell that is Breast Cancer when it could be prevented by early detection. And frankly, the stats themselves show that most women get a baseline and then don't do it again for several years anyway or not at all because they don't want to unless they have a relevant family history anyway. So why on earth would they do this??? It's very simple....money. It costs money to do the mammo....and with the prospect of having to cover everyone for basic health insurance and decrease their earnings bottom line they are looking for ways to cut costs and this is one they have found.

And before you go blaming the health care plan....look to is who funding the doctors in the "study". The big business of insurance is scared and because of that we are to suffer. It is not right and it is something that needs to be stopped.

Soooooo...while I can't make them give you mammos, and I can't make you feel your boobies(well I could, but some of you might get mad if I tackled you and forced ya to ;P ) please do.....take care of your "girls", get to know them, love them even....because one day you might find that they're gone or worse....that they took you with them.

Blog ya later-
K

Best thing ever...

NOT!

Recently I have heard from several people that cancer was the best thing that ever happened to them...........(big pause for that to sink in)

They then go on to explain that it has made them aware of their lives, able to finally slow down and take stock and to now enjoy it to the fullest. Huh.

While I suppose that is really a great thing for them to have realized, it actually just saddens me that they didn't know it before. And it speaks volumes about the frenzied lives we lead these days.

I will never say that cancer was the best thing to happen to me, not in a million ba-ga-zillion years! Was it the worst, so far yes, and frankly I hope it is the worst thing that ever happens to me. But I suppose that means that either I am incredibly lucky or incredibly unique in that while I did have a frenzied life before, and am starting to have that at moments again, it always revolved around things which I still and will always consider the most important things in my life; my family and friends.

Now, don't get me wrong, cancer has in fact brought some incredible people into my life as far as doctors and friends, but I know that I would have at least connected with most of the friends through other ways as we didn't connect through my cancer at all! And yes there are even a few whom I have only connected with because of our battles with cancer and that is wonderful as well, but I don't think that is what these others meant.

I guess what I am saying is...don't wait....don't let cancer, or a heart attack or any other life changing event be your catalyst to discovering the joy in your life and the simple pleasures that family and friends and anything else that makes you happy brings. Do it now and never look back. Live life to its fullest and sometimes that means just sitting down, kicking back with a cool glass of something you love and watching the beauty of the seasons changing and the clouds rolling past in the sky and maybe even your kids raking the yard if you're lucky:)

Carpe Diem!

Blog ya later-
K

Thank you

To all those who have gone before and will never return. Who's shining eyes blazed with the fires of freedom and who fought for me and you. For those who are the heroes that choose to put themselves in places you and I can not even fathom. For those who did and do, thank you.

Because of you I am here and live this life of luxury where my biggest concern is if my new fake boobs will sit right. Because of you I can voice my unhappiness with our leaders and not fear death. Because of you my children will grow up only knowing peace at home.

Regardless of our political turmoil and machinations we are so fortunate that there are still brave men and women who willingly accept the yoke of protecting our freedoms even knowing that they could face the final fight sooner rather than later.

I don't care who you voted for or what ideals you identify with, without them you would not be here, remember that, today especially but each and every day that you continue to wake in this amazing life that you have been given.

K

3 days out

and I'm feeling good still-yay
Pain is pretty non-existent(except when I sleep because it's hard to be comfortable in a semi-reclining position when you can't use your arms to push and get up-tg I have some abdominal muscles!) but the vest has not gotten better since the last time. In fact...I think it's worse! How can it be worse you might ask, well..easy, it just is! Maybe it's cause I am not on the pain meds or maybe it's cause I have lost 20 pounds since I last had one of these on and it is cutting into me much worse now or maybe.....it's just cause whoever invented this never had to wear one and I truly think deep down is some what of a sado-masochist....ok, that may be going to far but...seriously, a little padding along the bottom where it cuts into your ribs would be nice!

As for the ladies.....well....I have stood and looked at them in the mirror before and after my showers(the best times of my days b/c I don't have the !*#$#*$ vest on!!!) and while I must admit, the shape is definitely different from before, I'm not sure I will ever seen them as breasts. They are no longer just blobs but indeed nicely shaped...things. They do look much more like breasts do....at least like breasts look on paper or carved in stone anyway. And hopefully they will look totally fab under clothing even without a bra(still my number 1 goal~never wear a bra again!) but I will reserve judgement on that until the drains are gone and let you know later.

The absolutely best part of this so far though......my port scar...it is..disappearing!!!! I think it's due to the placement of the implants and their shape which lays much more naturally under my skin than the expanders because for the first time ever it is a pretty smooth spot and almost invisible...which is a tiny bright spot in this whole thing but ...I'll take all the teeny spots I can get because I figure they can patch together to one big giant shining sun in the end.

So...while I am happily on the road to be done with this all soon(hopefully VERY soon, like tomorrow would be great:P ) I still have a long road ahead of me in the game of life and I intend on traveling it and winning every battle I encounter along the way, or least putting up a darn good fight before I acquiesce nicely and move on to the next thing:)

Love to you all-
Blog ya later-
K

Whew

So I am home-yay!

The surgery went very well according to my Dr. and from what I saw today when she checked the incision spots they look very nice...but I will reserve final judgement until after I shower and can see them in the mirror and get a frontal view instead of just the looking down at them...doesn't give you the full impact I don't think! But, I was also right about the migrating boob~she said she pulled it back in front and it should be perfecto now, I hope so, would like to be able to actually put my arms down by my sides without a blob getting in the way!

I do have the dreaded compression vest again....but...it's not so bad...today at least, I may change that opinion after a few days and less pain meds! The drains are hanging on too(lol) but once again not nearly as bad as the other times...in fact the total output from yesterday was under the amount that I had to get down to the previous times to get them out, which makes me very hopeful that this will be a very short time of vest and drains-one can dream can't she?

So anyway, I am home and happy('cause I'm on drugs:P ) and as the percocet I took 1/2 hour ago is starting to kick in and making it very hard to type correctly-good thing spellcheck is free or I would be broke after this post! I am going to enjoy Ellen and Days with my Lexi before we dig into the stack of movies I got.

Thanks for all your good vibes, thoughts and prayers aimed my way, once again they gave me the peace I needed yesterday and are speeding along my recovery already.

I love you all-

Blog ya later-
K

PS....please enjoy the amazing weather for me-Vitamin D deficiencies lead to a whole host of medical issues including an increased risk for BC apparently-so that justifies all of my sun-worshipping days yet to come:)

Buh-bye 'Girls', Hellooooo 'Ladies'

So as of this point when I am writing this in under 24hours and I will have the new 'Ladies' !
And yes, I think that is what I will call them from now on. I mean the slang "girls" has so many levels to it and for me it was kind of just the first step to them "growing" up(and out~lol) and becoming true "Ladies". And honestly, I am thrilled that I will no longer have the blobs that are migrating towards my armpits and will get teardrop shaped pretty perky ...well.....honestly I don't know that I will ever consider them boobs/breasts because let's face it, they're not, but that's ok, they will be very nice shaped 'Ladies".

Now...having said all that.....I am actually very very nervous~lol! I know, I know, after everything I've been through it seems sort of silly to worry about this as it is relatively quick and painless comparatively speaking(or so my Dr says anyway!) but that hasn't convinced that tiny voice in my head that is scared and likes to repeat all the "what ifs" it can think of...stupid voice!
And altho I am happy that I waited and I think in the long run it will give me the best outcome as far as how they look and how I have been able to recover both emotionally and physically...it has definitely given me waaaaaay too much time to think about it, that was a nice thing about the whirlwind of last year, I didn't have all that much time to obsess over things and that was nice~sigh.

So I now am letting go of all the projects I did not get done in the past two months(and that right there shows just how much I have changed!!!! LOL) and embracing the fact that I will be unable to do much of anything for the next 6 weeks by checking out a ton of books from the library and by not watching a lot of TV so I can watch it on the web all next week:) After that I am sure I will start to go stir crazy so I will take any and all recommendations on books to read, movies to watch and hobbies that do not require you to lift your arms!

Soooo, I hope you all have a wonderful week, I will post again after surgery and let you know how it went. Enjoy the beautiful weather(and yes, part of me thinks it's highly ironic, Mother Nature I'm speaking to you, that it has rained for almost a month straight and now that I am going to be down and out it is supposed to be an Indian Summer November...sigh) and get some sunshine for me...vitamin D is good for ya you know!

Blog ya later,
K

Fall

Hi everyone!

Sorry I have again been a slacker on here...although one might say that is actually a good thing as it means I am busy which means I am well which is always good:)

And I am...well and busy! Good busy though, and frankly trying not to completely overdo it but still be very active with the girls because I don't know what tomorrow will bring...and by that I don't mean healthwise..I mean preteen attitude wise :P

I also made a decision to take back my life(again) and rescheduled my surgery for Nov 5th. I have been coaching Belle's team and asst. coaching Lexi's team in volleyball and I have been so happy. I have really missed volleyball....more than I thought. And so when I was told that I couldn't play any volleyball or really even participate except from the sidelines for six weeks after the surgery, which would have been the entire season, I just couldn't do that. I didn't want to do that...and honestly, I am being incredibly selfish because I know there are several parents who would have happily and capably done the drills all season but.....I wanted to do them. I also wanted to be 100% for the big 5th grade fishing fieldtrip, the girls' school's fall festival, a camping trip which includes both troops and halloween....and maybe a teeny tiny bit for my birthday too:)
This year I get to choose the time and so I choose to take the time with my family first and exchange the boobs second:)

Don't get me wrong, I am excited to have blobs on my front which will be more centered and realistic I guess but....not enough to give up this fall. Funny how your perspective on what is truly important continually evolves...oh wait, yeah...that's right...I forgot, that's just life!

Anyhoo...Happy Fall Y'all!

Blog ya later-
K

Back Again

Hello Everyone!

I hope you all had a nice summer, and yes I realize it is technically not over yet, but my girls have been in school for two weeks now and summer has once again flown by all too fast(except for the last week when I couldn't wait for school to start :P ) We were quite busy around here, trying to make up for last year some and I think we all had a nice summer altho, and don't get mad, but I would have liked it a bit warmer! I know, shocking, but summer isn't summer if you freeze every time you get in the pool, at least not around here anyway. There were about 3 days in June when we were dying from the heat and the coolness of the pool beckoned, but other than that it wasn't a big deal and that seems sort of wrong somehow!

Anyway, we are back in the swing of Girl Scouts and volleyball and piano just everything that comes with school and its kind of nice. To have peace and quiet back in the house that is:) Kidding...somewhat anyway! Now don't get me wrong, I miss them and eagerly await the bus everyday, but it is nice to have the girls back with their friends and to see how they continue to grow and mature and expand their minds and horizons and surprise me all time while doing it. Yes, I am getting a bit emotional..but hey, I'm allowed, my oldest started 5th grade this year and sometimes its seems to be going too fast...sigh.

As for me, I am well. My hair continues to grow and curl:) and has been bleaching nicely in the sun like it usually does-YAY :) I have been inspired by some friends and have started a diet(which for me means just eating healthy and the right amounts, nothing radical) and am continuing my modified exercise as I explore how my muscles will stretch(it's interesting what hurts in connection with all the surgeries!) and await the "real" ones. Which I have actually scheduled. I will be having the "transfer" surgery on Sept 22. It should be a quick recovery pain wise since it is a very simple small cut, switch implants, stitch it back up deal but there will still be drains......soooo we'll see how long I last ;) Until then I will somehow fill my time with scouts, coaching, classroom helping, organizing closets and finishing painting the living room...hmmmm maybe I won't complain about the drains and enjoy my rest time.....nah, probably not:)

I will try and be around much more often and I hope you all are well.

Blog ya later,
K

Summer's here

with a vengeance!!! It has been a long week and a half since I blogged last. Komen was AWESOME-over 65,000 participants plus all of the volunteers...it was a lotta people all out for one cause and lots of pink! This is the view down Olive street and it's kind of small but as far as one can see on the street there are people...and we were in the middle of all the walkers, the view was the same looking back..it was amazing:)

Then last week it rained Mon. and Tues. and cancelled Girl Scout camp for the girls...which was loads of fun as we were trapped indoors for two days! And then Belle got sick and missed camp altogether and while Lexi enjoyed Wed. and Thurs. at camp, she too ended up home sick on Fri.!!! It was a long week which continued through Sat with the sickies....

Sunday when everyone woke up feeling halfway normal we let Ed reorganize the basement into a family theater area where we can all watch a movie, hideout from a storm or just send loud groups of girls to! Now, I know it was Father's Day and we did get him some movies and cards and good eats, but he actually wanted to do this, I only let him cause it was his special day and all ya know ;)

Sunday was also midsommer! And coincidentally the time when a smoldering heat wave came through-yay...kidding. So it has been insanely hot for a few days to continue through Friday...when supposedly we will cool down some....but with the humidity I don't think it will matter all that much since you will still step outside and be drenched...ahhh...love summer in the Lou:)

But...due to the insane heat we went to the pool for the first time yesterday. We didn't go until after 4 and it was still ridiculously hot in the sun but fortunately the water was cool as it has not had weeks of hot temps heating it yet. I sat and sunned because Vitamin D is good for me:) and because it just felt good and...ok...I admit it, because I am not happy with the strappage on my suit and its ability to keep it up! So today after I write this I will alter where the straps go and hope that will keep things up and ....sigh... accept the fact that maybe I am just forever doomed to having to wear a suit with straps and have tan lines......SIGH.....oh well.

Anyway, since that is my biggest problem at that moment...life is good:)

Hope you all have a nice day.

Blog ya later,

K

Adrift

I know..once again with the ocean/lake metaphor...but I do love it so and it has really summed things up for me at several points during this journey but...I don't actually mean me at the moment, I mean the blog. I myself have moved onto another body of water..a stream, not sure to where yet, but, I'm going with the flow:D LOL

You see the blog started out as a place for me to express myself. I wrote a few times when I was so inspired and then the big mean C man attacked and the blog became one of my lifelines to sanity. Having this outlet was amazing for me as it allowed me to put words down and release what was behind them...sometimes multiple times, but the act alone was very cathartic for me. And then the connection I had with you all and knowing I had this network of people who cared about me, kept me afloat in the dark times, but it seems like that is all the blog was about for so long, as was my life, and now that my life is not...I'm struggling with where to take the blog and how to change it.

So bear with me as My Mishmash has some growing pains please:)

And btw my one year checkup was all clear last week and the appt. with the PS went well and we are on track for Sept for the real fake ones:)

Tomorrow is the Komen race in STL and I will be there with Ed, the girls, my parents and a good friend. Because of some very wonderful and amazing people I raised over $1000!!!!! I actually made it into the Top 100 Fundraisers list!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am humbled by your support.

Blog ya later,
K

One Year

One year ago today...well tonight precisely, is when this journey for me began. I took a shower and while shaving under my arm found something that wasn't quite right. Ok..it wasn't something, in fact I knew instantly what it was. And while I spent the next 6 days telling a few people, seeing several Dr.s, having mulitple tests run and hearing, "Don't worry, its probably nothing...you're too young for this...just think postive..." I knew...right from the second I touched it that it was the big C. And I am going to tell you all something ....that it took all of my determination and self control not to punch every one of you who said that in the face! Now don't get me wrong, I love you all, and I loved that you were thinking positive for me, but....I really wanted to punch you all too:P

You see....I am not a pessimist by nature, in fact I am an over-optimist some would say and so it killed me to know, KNOW, deep down in my heart that this is what it was from the get go. I had in fact been preparing myself, or God had been preparing me, for several weeks, months, years for this I think and because of that I think I handled it pretty well. Of course, because my life is always defined by a subliminal soundtrack running through my brain all I heard was REM....
"It's the end of the world as we know it, it is the end of the world as we know, it's the end of the world as we know...and I feel FINE" and it was true. The sun was shining, my girls were good, Ed was good, I had survived my beloved cat dying, had aced my law course, was on track for a super summer at the pool with my long hair and finally a body I was happy with and everything was fine. And then this....and I was looped and all I could think of was getting through to the other side.

Now I'm on the other side(apparently-I'm not quite so sure about that but whatever) and it's a new quandry....

You see the soundtrack that has been running through my brain of late is an oldie but a goodie-
"Reflections of the way life used to be....", now granted it is about lost love but as with just about any lyrics/words you can twist them to infer hidden meanings and I think that works quite well with these lyrics. I feel lost...lost in the reflections of what life used to be...of what life would have/could have been..of what it will be and I don't know what to do.

I want desperately to move forward, to be ok, to have nothing stand in my way....but that doesn't seem to be the plan and I am very very tired of that being the case. I want my life back...I want to be able to do whatever the heck I want and not have to worry that it will somehow adversely affect me/my body/my outcome.....I want.....I want ........ I want a time machine.

Soooo, on a completely different topic, well not really but, I spent the weekend in the hospital due to breathing issues. They think it was pneumonia or bronchitis or something like that but due to the fact that I couldn't breathe and could barely walk and my already compromised immune system they admitted me Thurs and finally released me Sunday evening. I am doing much better now, just trying to catch up on sleep and feel better so that I can head to Chi-town next weekend with my mom and the girls to see the Harry Potter exhibit and celebrate B's 8th bday! But...the new hospital, St. Clare, was very nice and I would recommend it to anyone who feels the need to go in.....I am hoping none of you have to, but it was super nice to have it be two mins from our front door to theirs!(Ed clocked it so we'd know:) )

Anyway...that is where I am at..limbo land, maybe the lazy days of summer will alow for some clarity of mind for me and maybe even a plan, but for this moment in time I am just happy to be home and surrounded as always by my wonderful and loving family and friends.

Thank you to all of you for everything you have done for me this past year and for all of the continued support you give to us.

Blog ya later-
K

Whirlwind

It never ends.

This is the only conclusion I can come to at this point. Every single time I think I have finally gotten over the hump, past all of the junk, back to some sense of normality....and it hits me all over. And the worst part is ...it's not a logical cycle....it's maddening in the way it loops back in and on and around itself and I never know what is going to trigger any of it. They say there are 5 stages of grief;

1-denial- ok...we all know I have lived there off and on since the beginning
2-anger- yep..visited that one too
3-bargaining- hmmmmm....I don't know that I have hit that one simply because I can't even come up with any suitable thing to bargain with....ummmm if only my genes were different?!?!?! How would that even work?
4-depression- ok....that is a harder one...I would like to think that I am not depressed...but I am beginning to wonder if I am indeed....not like I'm gonna off myself, no worries...just ...sad....at all the changes and loss
5-acceptance- I totally thought I got to that one quickly, granted I had no choice but...

I just wonder if these aren't out of order for me.....and how long they are going to hang around? Can't I just get over this and move on? That is what I want but...like I said, the big ugly C doesn't seem to think that is the way it should go.

Basically two things have happened this week that have thrown me for this loop I am in.
1- I realized due to the fact that I am in incredible pain after pitchball practice that I may not ever be able to play baseball again....and I am sad, so sad it's hard to describe. Even though I haven't played other than with the kids for years..to have that taken from me too.....I'm just tried of being limited...and I hate being in pain because I have very good "mind over matter" abilities and its not working this time and I don't like it, not one bit.
2-I found out about a 10year old girl in Cali who even though she is still prepubescent has been diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer and will now have to have a mastectomy. I just sat and cried for 20 min when I saw the posting on it. And then I got scared....Lexi is 10...what would I do? This is not something I want her to ever have to deal with, and I already know that she has a 50/50 chance of having the BRCA2 gene from me but.....10?!?!? That would just break my heart. Don't worry, she is fine...it just hit way to close to home for me.

So now I sit....back in a fog in some ways...granted, it is a functioning fog, but a fog none the less. I can still do everything I normally do....I am just not "here" all the time. And...the worst part is the manifestation of this has been in the way I talk....I am searching for words. I know what it is, totally know what I want to say...but it won't come to me and when it does, it's more often than not just a similar sounding word...but generally not a synonym so it doesn't fit...and it is frustrating as all get out.

So now I shall go ice my hurts and then sit in the sun....maybe the Vitamin D will boost my spirits:)

Hope you all are getting and enjoying Spring finally:)

Blog ya later-
K

Seriously....

it's bad enough that I don't take other people's advice...but I can't even take mine...although I made the mistake of telling Lexi about my comment in my last blog and she actually followed through..yes..whacked me upside the head with a magazine..and it hurt! But I couldn't get mad because after all she was just doing what I'd asked and...even though the gleam in her eye made me think she liked it a little too much...it was a very sweet gesture that she would remember and follow through.

So now I have written a very nice email to the editors of that magazine asking them why they didn't include TNBC....to which they(she) made the mistake of emailing me back that this article was about significant advances in Breast Cancer treatment presented at the symposium and there was nothing significant regarding TNBC......

First-nice choice of words...nothing significant....slap in my face

Second-should have double checked that info love ...because in this day and age of ..oh I don't know..the INTERNET...anyone can google just about anything...and I did! And guess what I found!!!! One of the keynote addresses on Sat. of the symposium was about how they had found a direct link between an over expression of a growth factor receptor bound protein GRB7 and recurrence in TNBC and how inhibiting this growth factor not only cut down recurrence but helped the chemo drugs to work more effectively!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I don't know about you, but I consider that pretty freaking significant! And so I sent her a response with that link and said how more than anything I was saddened that the writer and editors didn't think that some of the first research that has happened about effectively fighting TNBC was "significant".

Third-And I didn't realize this until Ed pointed it out but....chickypoo editor lady should really have been more careful about how she responded because this could be construed as racism! Now you may be wondering how I got there so I shall explain. TNBC in America strikes mostly African Americans as they make up 85% of those diagnosed with TNBC. And even more alarming, the 5 year survival rate for them is a mere 14%!!!!!!!!!!!! That is horrific. So to say that nothing significant was talked about when in fact it was... basically says we don't really care what happens to that group. I have considered forwarding all of this to the Rev Al Sharpton but I am not sure I want to head down that road just yet.

Anyway...while I am still adrift in that ocean I talked about last time....I am not so panicky about the sea monsters and storms that may pop up during my journey to the other side. I realized while reading all of this stuff that my doctors treated me as aggressively as they could and with as much haste as they could and so now it is out of my hands and theirs really. I am content to trust in the plan that has been laid out for me and once again go back to celebrating today..and tomorrow...and all those tomorrows I have yet to see. Now I can't guarantee that I won't slip and fall into panic mode again..in fact I am sure I will, but...I'm ok with that too...and besides...that's what a nice glass of Riesling is for:)

So for now I am planning on surviving(yes surviving) the next 6 weeks the girls have left of school and the complete zaniness that will entail while I check things off my bucket list(yeah...I made one!), enjoy the fact that my hair is still growing and getting cuter everyday(or so I keep telling myself when I sigh at the fact that it does what it wants and I have no control) and plan for a summer of sun and fun to make up for last year:)

One last thing...this year I WILL be running...ok ok, walking, in the Komen race in St. Louis on June 13th with Ed and the girls and anyone who wants to join us. If you can't, or simply don't want to risk the fact that it could be 90 with 90% humidity that day(which believe me I totally get) you can support us by going to-

www.komenstlouis.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=1050&px=1085687

Thanks.

Blog ya later-
K

Stupid, stupid me...

I started reading again.....and no, not anything good but articles everywhere about cancer. My type of cancer, triple negative, to be precise.

It all started because of a quarterly magazine I get which has been really informative about various treatments and groups and kinds of cancer except this issue. There was a 6 page write up on all of the recent findings on the various types of breast cancer with wonderful information in the strides the medical community is making in being able to effectively treat women and prevent any form of metatasizing and death. With one..ONE exception-triple negative. In fact the only thing even said about it was a disclaimer that they are basically still at a loss as to how to effectively treat it!!!! Great...wonderful....stupid cancer-ugh..hate you...really I do.

I stopped reading about cancers this summe because I was already so overwhelmed with just the fact that I had it let alone the fact that I had the kind that the medical community calls the "killer cancer". And so just recently I thought maybe I should start looking at articles again since I am in a better place mentally and physically as well.

I have since realized that is not necessarily the truth. Yes, physically I am doing great...fantastic really-in fact if you didn't already know you wouldn't ever guess that I had been through the past year because I have no visible scars so to speak(and that doesn't include my boobie scars 'cause I don't generally go around showing those off, but I will if you ask b/c I think it is important for other women....and even men, to see that you can look ok and to take away the "taboo-ness" of breast cancer and mastectomies and reconstruction....however...I'm not gonna flash you in public so ask me in private if you want:D ) But mentally...I'm not so sure.

By that I mean....when I stop and think about it or read about it....I totally break down..literally sobbing and shaking because it scares me to death(I'm crying right now...which is making it incredibly hard to type-sheesh). My type of cancer has the highest rate of recurrence out there. And....the fastest rate of it too. And...if that wasn't enough to deal with....the worst rate of metastasizing in the brain too.......stupid STUPID cancer. And here is the final whammy.....those rates are not even relative to having lymph node involvement in the first instance of the cancer-which means even though all my nodes came back negative....that means nothing!!!!

Ultimately the worst part is this....none of the numbers are the same, but they are all bad and....I'm really scared....and I hate being scared-I don't watch horror movies for that precise reason....but I can't exactly click the remote to change the channel on this and so now I don't quite know what to do.

In some ways my journey has just begun...yes I did the chemo and the surgeries but.....that is comparable to getting all the supplies and loading the boat.....the actual voyage is through the murky waters of the next few years and the unforeseen dangers that could be lurking like the giant sea monsters of old. Yes, they probably aren't real but.......you can't be sure until you get safely to the other side...and as we all know now, while there may not in fact be giant serpents that prey on seafaring vessels...there are some big monsters of the deep out there and who knows what could set them off..let alone the unpredictable weather that can come in without sufficient warning!

So I am now floating into the dark.....sometimes paddling furiously(as if that will help-ha) and other times just letting the current take me at will, all the while knowing...even though I hope and pray against it, that I may not make it to the other side.

So I ask this of you, my wonderful family and friends....if you see me reading a cancer magazine or a health magazine please, please rip it out my hands, roll it up and whack me on the head with it! I promise to not take revenge and in fact, depending on where this might happen, I will probably bust up laughing at the reactions of anyone else around-and we all know how wonderfully therapeutic laughter is:)

So for now I will close my google tab with triple negative cancer results in it and wipe the tears and head outside, because it is a beautiful day in the Lou and the sun will do me some good.

Thanks for listening.

Blog ya later-
K

You can call me Curly Q

but I probably won't respond:P

I know it has been literally a month since I last blogged but it has been a crazy 30 days for sure!

To start, I had a wonderful time camping with my girls and other GS leaders and their daughters the first weekend in March. Although I somehow volunteered myself to be in charge of food for 65...it went well and no one was poisoned! Now...don't get me wrong, I am a good cook and do not actually have a history of poisoning anyone...but I have never been in charge of feeding 65 either! Needless to say it was a wonderful time and before we even left my girls were asking when we would get to do it again....of course the tornado warnings as we were leaving camp just made it that much more fun and luckily(for us anyway) the storms passed just south of us and blew on over to the East side(aka Illinois) before they really exploded.

Then Lexi got a sinus infection and stayed home Mon. and Tues....when Belle came home sick, hers was the yucky stomach flu though..not nearly as easy to deal with. And to top it off...we were(I was) trying to get ready for Spring Break and our trip to Florida starting that Friday!

Belle, however, ran a fever all week along with her stomach upsetness and so we delayed leaving until Sat. am when she finally was fever free(YAY) and set off for Disney and the beach.

So, we drove all day Sat. and Sun. am got up ready to enjoy the "Magic". Unfortunately, Lexi then came down with a very high fever and the poor child spent the entire week cooped up in the hotel room watching the Disney channel....altho I think she enjoyed that quite a bit anyway! Her fever finally broke the next Sat. morning after we arrived at the beach and we were all able to enjoy a few days of sun and relaxation before heading back home.

This past weekend we celebrated Lexi's 10th birthday(gasp~egads I have a preteen now~gulp) with a slumber party Friday night...tons o' fun, 5 giggling and screaming 4th graders who wouldn't go to bed..happy happy-joy joy! And then Sat. it was Daddy/Daughter bowling with Scouts and dinner out with Nana and Papa and then home to crash as we watched Twilight. Yes, I bought a copy when I had a free moment and have watched it several times already:)

Whew...and now to today!

I went in for a normal checkup with my oncologist-everything was fine and she loved my hair! And I am right on track for the normal blood draw next month and checkup and xray at the end of May-YAY.

Later I headed in to see the plastic surgeon who also loved the hair:) And actually thought it made me look 10 years younger...hmmmmm 26..I'll take it! She still thought the "fake" fake ones looked good and that they truly are the size we want them to be and so now we are just in a holding pattern until its time to put in the "real" fake ones! There is a 3 month waiting period for that but I have thought it over and decided since that would put the surgery right at the beginning of June and summer and..ugh, the girls out of school already and no thanks. We all know how much I just love having drains anyway and wouldn't it be grand to have them when the girls just want to start getting to the pool?(and, yes that was serious sarcasm) So I will be waiting until Sept. to do that when everyone is back in school and I can sit around and watch tv all day with no one bugging me...who am I kidding..I'll be watching Twilight:P

And this brings me to my title.....I have decide to show you the back of my head!

Now, I realized you might be saying to yourselves, " Ummmmm K......why?"

To which I would say-because it is the most curly...duh:D Actually it is still very strange as I have super curls in back and the sides are just kind of fluffy and the top just has a wave still......but at least its blonde! And although you can't tell from this pic per se, it is super blonde in front(I love me some sun-in) and finally truly back to me!

So all is good on the K front for now as we have already sprung into spring and the crazies that come with it:)

I hope everyone had a less insane month and mostly that we get rid of this "lousy Smarch weather"!

Blog ya later-

K

Lion or Lamb????

It's March...YAY!

But...I'm confused...is it coming in like a lion or lamb?

It isn't overly cold, but it is still below freezing, or warm, but it will be by the end of the week....or stormy or clear, just cloudy every day but Monday. Looks like a typical week, starts off cold and gets nice and warm by the end of the week. Sounds pretty good t0 me really and not at all lionish soooo, does that mean it is lambish then? And if sooooo...well..I think I'd prefer that it come in like a lion and go out like a lamb..makes the transition to spring and the insanity that comes with it in April more bearable.

Regardless, to celebrate what hopefully is the beginning of a nice, fun, exciting, busy and full month .....I changed my hair! It is now back to blonde...and I admit...I finally feel like one of the last missing puzzle pieces has been found and put in place....it's nice:) Sooo...next you see me..don't be surprised:)

Hope you all had a nice weekend-
Blog ya later-
K

PS yes...I did just happen to reread the whole"Lion/lamb" scene in Twilight last night and so yes that was what inspired it:)

I'm full...

apparently!

And yes, I am a bit surprised by that...and yet also ok with it .

I am surprised because when I look down.....well, they don't seem to be a big as I expected! That's not to say the aren't significantly bigger than I was two months ago...but...they are also significantly smaller than they were a year ago and so once again I am kind of floating in the no-woman's land of "I have no idea what will happen but I am trusting it will be ok".....honestly.. hate that place...I don't even want to see a road sign pointing towards it in my future....*sigh* and yet ..it is where I am and will be for then next few months until I get the real fake ones.

Because...and this is just one more thing they don't tell you up front...I don't know why..but..anyway, that apparently the expander boobs do not look anything like the real fake ones! And..I have to hope they are right because..well...lets just say right now it kinda looks like I am always lying down....they aren't as......out in front as one would think for "perky" boobs! Now I was told this is due to the fact that this implant has no defined shape, it's just the "workhorse" to do the stretching! And... in the long run, that is a good thing and all but ....have I mentioned I am not a patient person by nature....and I am really tired of waiting this year....is driving me crazy!

So I went in for my fill on Friday and one of my questions was do I have to wear a bra? No--Hooray, because ..well..just hooray:D and the second was how will we know when I am "full"?
B/c I have no idea obviously and she said she knew, and then looked at me with a very critical eye and said,"I think you will be actually."
She filled the 60 ccs on each side and then said, "Yep..a nice C, right?"
I nodded and she said, "Ok we'll see you in a month to make sure and we also want it to be a tight fit...even have to stretch a tiny bit with the real fake ones vs. being over stretched so I think you will be just right!"
And then she left. And the more I have thought about it..that makes excellent sense and everything will fall differently with the different shape,.. so ok. But hmmm...I'm done...seems weird and...makes me realize I need to do more exercise on the mid section...*sigh*

And ..I am so ready for March...and spring, even though it is still three weeks away....just tired of cold with no snow..its no fun that way!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend:)

Blog ya later-
K

Always

Came out with a saying a couple of years ago,
"Have a happy period, always!"

I thought they were insane.

I boycotted them, really I did.

I was incensed at the idea that someone in management was so deluded as to think that having your period was a happy event.....what, pardon me wonderful men who read this but, idiot guy came up with that and what other one approved it.....that was my line of thought...then.

I have to say I have changed in that line of thinking.

Since my body could have been fast-forwarded this past summer and it wasn't...indeed, it is a happy period!

Ironically, they no longer have that on them....LOL- Sorry that was just something I realized and found quite funny in the hilarity of it all:)

In other areas of my life, my hair is freaking out. It curls in the back, waves on the top and is straight on the sides! Fun! But it was long enough that today when I came inside I was able to slide my sunglasses on top and they stayed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hooray-I am always with sunglasses and usually they are on my head when I am inside....they are my essential hair accessory and I missed them greatly this summer and fall, so it is soooo nice to being heading into spring and summer and knowing that they will stay- YAAAAAAAAAAAAY :)

I am losing tummy and gaining cup sizes...sorta, so it kinda looks as if it is just shifting upwards!!!!

And we have three weeks and three fillups until Spring Break...
not sure that we will make the C by then but we'll see.....LOL

Blog ya later-
K

Facebook has...

taken over my life!!!!

Just kidding...sort of-lol

It is amazing really. I got started over the summer because the food allergy group I belong to has a group on there and I thought , "hey, why not?" Whoah...I had no idea!

Actually, it has been wonderful. I have reconnected with so many people and just connected more with friends too. And by that I mean that I now know 25 random things about so many people my head might explode...but in a good way. It truly is a tool of the future and I love being connected this way.

I guess for me the funniest part is the explosion that is happening. Even though I am part of Gen X, this is really a Gen Y..or Z...or whatever they are, thing and yet I swear the biggest group of people joining as of late are us! But...here's the kicker for all my friends out there...in about ooooooohhhh 2 years when our kids hit middle school.....they will want to be on it, if they don't already and.....they won't want to be our friends!!!

Of course my children will have to be my friends AND give me their password so I can spy, hey, I'm just being honest, I'm gonna do it because there are scary people online these days and my girls are too precious for me not to be vigilant!

Anyway....for those of you who aren't on Facebook already...it really is fun and nice to connect with people and I promise even though it might seem a bit overwhelming you get the hang of it quick! Everyone else.....feel free to say hi there to me..if you know who I am :D

And just for the record..I went in today to fill again and all is going well. I am stretched thin at the moment but it too will pass!

Hope you all are well and have a wonderful weekend.

Blog ya later-
K

PS...please keep a friend, Gretta, in your prayers as she is finishing her 3rd round of chemo today and still has three more left and they are catching up to her. Thanks.

Another day

Actually as I have learned every day is a wonderful gift...even if its not the best of days.

But...I have had an interesting week...on the ups;
-my hair in front is finally going down like bangs instead of straight up like a 1950s crew cut on my dad!
-I am healthy(knock on wood)
-I had another fill-up today and except for the tightness, pressure and burning of the muscles at the moment I feel great:) Actually, all those are true statements but on K's relative pain scale they rank in the 1-2 area, so no worries:)
-I have visibly defined "girls"....kinda strange.....b/c they aren't as big as they used to be, but, there is definitely something there...somethings that never move...but they are very present...interesting indeed!


on the downs.....
-we came in tied for second at trivia last week after leading for a long time....and...the worst part is, the kiddo questions started our down slide...apparently we are not smarter than 3rd, 4th or 5th graders!!!!

So, as you can see the ups faaaaaaaaaaaar outweigh the down for this week, whew:)

Hope you all are well and have a wonderful valentines:)

Blog ya later-
K
PS-just to show I have hair:P A week or so ago the girls made tiny spikes all over my head with blond colored hair "concrete", so it is still brown and those blond highlights on the tips are not real..yet:P

What a day...

and its only 2:10!

Firstly, I went an got a fill up again to get me back on the Friday schedule and so I don't miss a week. Hmmmm....feeling VERY full. But it is all good, right?...a little muscle burn never hurt anyone:) and...I love...LOVE my plastic surgeon. She cracks me up:) Every time she sees me she says," Oh yeah, you so did the right thing waiting. And Dr. O did such a good job with what she left and...these are gonna be awesome!"

Now, first you have to love a Dr. that, praises your decision, then praises the other Dr. and then says that your boobs are gonna be awesome! LOL But truly...that is what you want in a plastic surgeon most of all, right? Complete and utter confidence in their work and how amazing it will look eventually! So that went well and we may even up to 100ccs at the next fill vs the 60ccs per side I have been doing.

Then I headed to my allergist because I have still had an earache even though I am feeling so much better and yes there is a buildup of fluids there and in my nose, not a surprise since I don't know that my nose has been clear since moving to STL over 30 years ago! So now I am on some stuff to clear that all up and I can't wait to be just ok.....ahhhh...ok.....a dream I have:)

Oh and one little thing...totally off subject but I must put it out there...tonight is the trivia night for the girl's school and I am totally psyched! Our table won last year and we have 6 of the people returning....and not that anyone but us 6....maybe only 4 of those, even care...but we are going to win tonight......it's my mission...and if you know me at all...you may have realized I am a bit stubborn and so this mission.....well..bring it trivia committee:P

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

I will be stretching and deep breathing...and winning trivia:D

Blog ya later-
K

Classic Blunder

Not the most classic blunder of all time mind you.....ya know....starting a land war...in Asia..... lol :D (it's from a movie...not a political jab....per se)

But none the less something that is painful any year and is especially so this year......I bought a swim suit!

You may be saying now K....why? why? why?

To which my response is this....having worked for years(7) in a store that originated as a swimsuit shop I have gotten it down to a science and every year previous to this one have ordered from a specific company, Venus, because they carry D and DD size tops and decent coverage bikini bottoms and I love my sun so I usually opt for the bikini. Anyway, if you do have that cleavage you know how limited the options are and frankly I am very picky color wise so I always order early. And also because we do spring break in Florida so I need it by the beginning of March.

So anyway.......altho I won't need the bigger sizes this year on top...which is kind of nice....I will need different coverage!!!!!!! I realized looking at the way the suits are cut this year that a deep V seems to be the trend and I just can't do that. I think there would be scar showing and although I'm not ashamed...it's not a conversation starter I want to broadcast at the beach and pool. Plus....I must be honest here...for soooooooooo many years I have had to wear a bra style with straps that I am kind of excited because the one style that would seem to do the trick on coverage is a bandeau top!!!!! Yes folks, that means no tan lines on my shoulders.....woohoo!
And...this is the best part...Venus happens to carry that style top that has a "flutter" front on it so it covers my tummy too!!!!!!! but its not tight like a tankini...it is the best flaw covering ever!!!!!!!

So I am kind of happy...and yet...when it came in the mail and I took it out.....and I looked down at what I have in the booby spot and what I want......I'm a little nervous that I don't have enough time by spring break to fill it out enough. I have realized looking at myself in the mirror these past few months that I have a wide upper torso and altho my boobs were big before, they suited me.....I am not going huge again.....I am just wondering how its gonna look and I can't project forward in my mind and its driving me crazy!

So....that's my classic spring blunder for the day.....

Hope you all are well and TGIF....thank goodness its Feb. I think Jan was the official worst month for me as far as days incapacitated due to one reason or another! So glad I'm movin' on.

Blog ya later-
K

PS..in case you couldn't figure it out b/c I tend to meander around when I write...the blunder was thinking of swimsuits at all...let alone while I'm still growing boobs!

Laughing hysterically

I have forgotten to share with you all the most hilarious thing that came in the mail recently.

It is this pretty little pink and purple plastic credit card size card for my implants! Now I got one for my port...I assumed to carry with in case I was in an accident and I couldn't talk. But I was a bit stumped as to why I would need to alert EMTs to my implants....and then I read the fine print at the bottom.....

Due to a metallic compound in the implants, do not come into contact with a MRI machine and be aware that the compound may set off metal detectors.

LOL-LOL-LOL-LOL

So envision if you will how much this tickled me since you may have guessed if you have been reading my blog for a while or just if you know me how much I truly enjoy humor at my expense and all I can think of now is walking into an airport and trying to get through the checkpoint. It goes off and they ask me to step aside and they wand me and it goes off over my boobs! How completely hilarious is that? Because you know, when you are in line and some gets pulled aside...you watch...we all do, it is human nature to be curious....plus.....you either want them to be "caught" or you want to laugh at the incompetence of the whole thing, so you watch. What would your reaction be to seeing the wand go off over my boobs? Would you just think I had..."decorations" there or would you wonder about the wand? Or would you just laugh either way as it would be pretty silly?

I also wonder about setting off the alarms in stores and what a hassle that could be, but I hate to shop so that shouldn't be that much of a problem. None-the-less....until the next surgery, I will be carrying that card with me since I don't think I would be able to stop laughing to explain!

Still sick so no fill up this week..I'm hoping for Monday...the flu stinks.

Blog ya later-
K

Blessings

I have learned to cherish every one of them over the past eight months.

So even though woke up sick as a dog this morning-chills, fever, aches, pains..you name it....but in this I had a blessing too.

Cancer took three things from me, my hair, boobs and hormones.

My hair-growing back
My boobs-growing back...hee hee~still makes me laugh every time that I think about the fact that I am growing boobies at age 36!
My hormones-guess what.....or more precisely....guess who's visiting?!?!?!? YES, Aunt Flo!!!!

Never thought I would be this excited to get my period-LOL

But it just goes to show that I am young, strong, healthy and...fertile:P Not that ANYTHING is ever going to come of that but it is just nice to be back even more...and it explains last week a whole lot more as well:D


Now...back to bed:) or at least the couch to watch ER.

Blog ya later-
K

It could be worse...

you could be......(fill in the blank).

We have all said that at some point to boost someone up when they were down or even to get them to stop complaining, I've done it too. And sometimes it is something random, like "dead", "mangled in that turbine", "like Jessica-who's husband just left her with 3 kids under 5"...you get the pic.(btw, there is no Jessica in my life like that, it was just an example)

But I came to realize today that I now get used in that sentence! I am a threat/warning to quit bemoaning your life and move on cause it could be a whole lot worse.......I don't quite know how to feel about that! In fact I feel kind of guilty.

Yes, the past 8 months have been no fun and at times painful, sad, scary and bewildering, but....all things considered, I got off easy. My chemo went relatively well and was short(in time span). I didn't have to have radiation. It hadn't spread into the lymph nodes. All I lost was my hair and boobs, both of which are growing back...in their own fashion:) I never got completely debilitated by any of it and I continue to feel pretty darn good physically. I just really feel like I was blessed by the fast track I got on and all of the thoughts and prayers which surrounded me an held me up even in the low times. And really the bottom line is this.....its back to the survivor label again.

I just don't know how/if I want to embrace that publicly........for all my outgoingness, I don't like to thrust myself into situations where I am front and center. I will do so to speak for someone else or a cause but somehow this is different. I think part of it is that Cancer steals so much from you that is beyond your control and in some ways forces you to be front and center by just the way you look. You can get a wig.... but it will never be the same as your old hair was, at least not for me. You can rest and eat healthy and you will still get puffy because of the drugs.

All summer I refused to wear anything on my head when I would drive. Partly because it was hot and partly because I figured why bother...it was pretty obvious that I had some form of cancer by the hair loss and puffiness so why bother? But now.....ok, in a month or so, my hair will actually be at a length that some women pay lots of money to have their cut to regularly and part of me is craving getting back to that so I could just be someone with short hair....not an obvious cancer patient. And I get that I am supposed to be an inspiration for others who will(unfortunately) get cancer and do need to know that they can and will make it but......do I have to be front and center? Can't I just keep writing this blog, tie it together in a book and remain somewhat anonymous? After all the only way I wanted to be famous was to be President and I have rethought that a lot recently to realize that is not really what I want to do either....I would if I got elected but that would never happen for a variety of reasons which I won't go into now.

Anyway.....I know that God has plans, and obviously this is part of it....I just wish He'd clue me in on the next step so I can brace myself or relax.

Different subject-SNOW!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!

But, cause Fate loves to mess with me, I have a sore throat and can barely swallow so I don't get to play in it!!!! Of course....... double rats.

Hope you all enjoyed it:)

Blog ya later-
K

Day of Docs

So...today I had an appt with my oncologist whom I adore, had to have my blood sucked, not so much adoring of that though...and I mean that literally....it wasn't coming out of the veins easily either today....sigh.....just one more reason to hate C and chemo...wrecks your veins! But everything was fine and dandy..she is thinking my hair is going to start curling....we'll see, I think parts may, but not all of it...that would be too easy...too uniform. And then I walked back out into the reception area to check in with the other side!

And so on I went to have my three month check up with my surgical oncologist, whom I love. She is the one who left a nice amount of skin from the mastectomies so that things are progressing quite well in that area apparently(I owe that thought to the surprise that I had only had one filling and had bumps this size! and I thought they were small..go figure!) As I was waiting her nurse brought in my films and handed them to me. I asked her what I was supposed to do with them since I don't even have those boobs anymore?!!? And she said well then take it home and keep it in a closet. And I thought.....damn straight, pardon my language but these are some of the only existing film of my old boobs...I think I have a right to claim them. Its probably against some rule but ya know what, if the boobs do not exist, the films need not either.

So I looked. Yep...they were my smooshed boobs. I had two sets and the ultrasound pics too. The first set was from Nov. 2006, a baseline my general dr had suggested thankfully and it was amazing to see the difference between the two. I knew how big the lump felt and how big they thought it was, but to see it....actually SEE it, and the tendrils shooting out from it...scared the ....well, it just made me sick. That had only been 18 months between the two mammograms. And it was awful...the way it looked. It was a mass with a tendril reaching out literally as if it was trying to grow to other parts of me.......I can't sum up the feelings it evoked, I've just spent twenty minutes trying out different sets of words and none can completely encapsulate the whole range of emotions from it so I'm going to leave it at that.

Anyway.....for those of you keeping track...WE FINALLY HAVE SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doin' the happy dance:)

Blog ya later-
K

I'm a bad blogger....

Sorry I haven't said anything for a while. A lot has been going on. I got the drains out that last Friday after I complained. The Dr. could see I was ready to do battle and instead of doing that, said ok and liked how things were looking and set me up with a fill up start date of yesterday. Which happened and was fine. Fortunately the port that the expanders get filled through is in areas of my skin that are numb-woo-hoo..something good has come of the mastectomies! It is tight...and kind of .......burny/tingly in the muscles as they stretch with the skin(altho not so much on the skin still, had extra of that left). There's a tightness again which was wearing off so we'll see how this goes. A total nil on the pain scale really, my scar area from the port is what has been "stinging" me lately..maybe its stretching too! Who knows?

But the emotional part of me has been in a whirlwind. In some ways its this weird Alice and the looking glass thing going on. All summer and fall I was strong and happy and ok mostly..mad some..but I was good, everyone else was freaking out. Now when I should be all happy and ok I am finally coming out of the self induced fog I created to survive and I am freaking out. My emotions are all over the place all the time and it is slowly driving me insane. Now hopefully this is a good thing and means my hormones are coming back, which just makes me laugh...its good I'm going insane...huh....who'd thunk it? but that's how C is....never what you think or envision or experienced before or anyone else did.

And I've suddenly realized(I know..I can be slow sometimes)..because I see them when I look down, I have lost my boobs....not the best of boobs, but they were all mine....and what I'm "growing" is Barbie boobs....ones that look perky under sweaters without a bra and are just this smooth shape that never moves....which has its advantages, yes, but the bottom line is this....they will never be mine. Dang, this is harder than I thought......I think for a while I may stop thinking so hard, it's giving me migraines...also a good sign my hormones are coming back.....

It is totally barbaric...I wish for insanity and migraines so I can get back to what will never be normal but the closest I'll ever get....

Sooo other than all that, I'm good:P

Still hoping for snow.............

Blog ya later-
K

I am a bad patient

Really, I am.
I hate it....hate being unable to do things. HATE being told what I need to do to get better and yet having that be the thing that is making it take so long......and yes I am talking about my drains. This is going to be a rant so if you're not in the mood you might want to just wait for the next post.

I hate drains. I have to get the output under 20ccs for a 24 hr period before they will take out the drains. It has been a steady 30 ccs for 4 days now. Now here's the part that raised my blood pressure...in the surgery center I was told it would have to be under 30 to get the drains out, but when I called the office on Monday they said it had to be under 20....and then when I called today with my totals and they still weren't under 20 they told me to wait....so I did a bad patient thing and threatened to take the drains out myself! I think I shocked the billing specialist(note...not a nurse) that was on the phone and she quickly transferred me to a nurse. Who then tried to tell me that it was for the best and that as I became more active I might actually get more output in the drains so they didn't want to take them out too soon. To which I was very good and held my tongue but didn't say...I have been up and moving around, showering by myself, waving my arms wildly(ok, not too wildly) but like I was told to and except for sleep have not languished in bed at all since I got home! However the really stubborn part of me is thinking of going back to bed and not getting up until the output is below 20....after all if movement is making me put out more, then non-movement should make them drain less, right?

Other than that I am fine....just frustrated.

Stay warm as Old Man Winter blows our way.

Blog ya later-
K

Kids

say the darndest things!

Not to me of course...I mean they do, but this week they have been very good about keeping not only their physical distance but also their "emotional" distance as well. Tonight as the girls lay in beds and read and chatted with Ed while I sat on the couch in my one comfortable position...they confided in him their worries. Specifically Belle told him that she was worried that her kids would get breast cancer! Now....yes we realize that she isn't even near anywhere ready to date, let alone get married, let alone(gulp) have kids...she had an incredible sense of logic about it all. My grandmother had it, it skipped my dad(although not really since he got prostate cancer early which has been linked to the gene but that's another blog), I got it and so it should skip her and her kids would get it. How's that logic for ya? When Ed related the conversation to me I could feel my heart breaking and the tears are welling up even now as I type, this is not something they should have to be aware of let alone understand that it can be passed on through their genes.....hate cancer...really do.

Fortunately, she also has the wisdom that only an innocent child can have too. At that point Ed tried to reassure her that she didn't need to worry about that since it was so far away(sooooo very far away we hope) but also that there would hopefully be a cure by then. To which she dismissively replied, Oh I know there will be a cure" with a nonchalant wave if her hand...gotta love that innocence and faith, don't you wish we could bottle it?

Anyway, pain wise...it's getting better. The left side still hurts more than the right but even that has diminished greatly. The only truly bothersome thing now is the vest o death....aka the compression vest, yes it still sux more than anything else, I live for the few moments I get to decompress every day.....and I will never ever time travel back to to any time other than the greco-roman period...flowing dresses are definitely the best way to go!

Stay warm this week as we get an arctic blast.

Blog ya later-
K

Day two

ok, well.......not liking this one bit. Aside from the fact that my muscles get tight if I don't move for oh...two or three seconds, everthings a-ok....and yes that was me being VERY sarcastic. It's really not so much the pain, altho it does hurt like a ....@#$#$%#$%^$#%^, but it is the tightness that is really getting to me. When it hurts to breathe, let alone cough, sneeze or blow your nose...well that makes winter darn near impossible to cope with! That and the other fact that since my IV was in my left arm overnight and half the day Friday I didn't use it nearly as much as my right and so it had much more time to tighten and is being much more stubborn about untightening!

That's really all I can say for the moment since I am starting to spasm again and the valium will render me unable to keep my eyes open!

Hope you all are well...love you lots.

Blog ya later-
K

Day after

k.....I'm home.

Definitely on meds, percoset and valium.

Pain.....the first two hours were not fun, I actually cried.....that's the first time I have after any of the surgeries! Took me a bit by surprise but I guess that's what happens when they pull muscles off your ribcage, stuff a foreign object under them and then reattach them to your ribcage.....yeah...ouch. Actually it was just a half dollar size area of pain on my left side at the breast bone that really hurt and that did subside after about two hours, or maybe the meds just kicked in enough for me not to notice. Now it is just very, very, very sore...like I pulled the muscles....which I guess I kind of did in a way, but I have never pulled those particular ones so it is a very new experience.

As for the mummy wrapping, that won't be happening! My doctors gave me very strict directions to use my arms, in fact she waved hers wildly above her head in demonstration of what I should do...I'm not there yet but I have been doing a version of Tai Chi or Falun Gong in which I slowly ...VERY slowly move my arms around in the air....its been ok, and I stop after it hurts so I am not pushing myself. Just trying to keep the muscles from spasming because frankly it hurts less when they aren't!

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that I made it through and am home. Thank you for all your prayers, support and thoughts, they have once again cradled me in love through the procedure yesterday:)

Blog ya later-
K


PS...oh yeah....I have boobies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tiny little bumps, BUT I am not concave anymore-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Surgery Eve

Ok.....soooo......it's the night before surgery and all through the house, K is pacing and...well..... I am not even able to think coherently enough to make that rhyme!!!!!

To say I'm a bit rattled is the understatement of the year and yet, I really can't explain why!
I am not nervous per se....I have complete faith in my doctor and the rest of the medical team that everything will go smoothly tomorrow. I am not really all that worried about the pain because I know it will happen and I will take pills and then it will eventually go away, so ....eh. I am worried about the next few weeks and momentarily forgetting not to use my arms and hurting myself, but even that is really a minor worry, and if it gets that bad I will FORCE Ed to mummy wrap my arms so I can't do anything anyway and I'm totally serious about that. But most importantly, I have faith that God will be there for me no matter the outcome.

So why am I so rattled? I have wracked my brain and the only thing I can come up with is that I have had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time to think about this one....and....it is elective.

Granted, over the past three months I have come to realize that I really liked my boobs. I miss them. I even miss what they represent, ugh, I hate myself for feeling that way, but its true. Cancer totally sucked in so many ways but I think the most surprising to me was how much it robbed me of my sexuality. The chemo killed my hormones and hair and the cancer took my breasts. Even though the reason they exist on females is purely as a means of feeding offspring(which mine did wonderfully) that is not what they have come to symbolize in our society. And the worst part is that I considered myself so enlightened that I was above that. Not so. And so I am struggling with myself and my desire to have my boobs back even though they have fulfilled their biological usefulness since there will be no more mini-mes and therefore the fact that actually means I want them back because of how they make me look.

UGH......I HATE that I feel this way. Every feminista(is that a word?) fiber in my body is rebelling against these feelings and yet I am most definitely going under the knife tomorrow and nothing short of a blizzard will stop that(and yes, I did knock on wood after typing that since we all know how unpredictable St. Louis weather is!!!). So now I will wrestle with my inner turmoil...possibly for the rest of my life.

Really, really, really hate cancer.

Ok, enough....I am going to go have some chocolate now.

And really.....I will be fine, but thanks for listening(reading) and letting me express all my anxieties here, it really is excellent therapy:)

Blog y later-
K

Ouchie

Ok.....once again it hurts more than I first said now that the meds they gave me have worn off. Granted it is not too bad and tylenol takes care of it...for a few hours anyway, I should buy stock in Johnson& Johnson! But as Ed said, "I'm pretty sure you would feel a bit of pain if you had just been stabbed or cut with a knife too!" Duh K.....ok, not his exact words but the jist is the same and...he is right, I should shut up until Friday when I will really be groaning.....or not, depending on the meds they give me:D

Anyhoo....thought I would share these pics from the day after with you all...the wonderful nurse in the post-op area gave me two of everything for the girls to play with.....watch out in the ERs in about 20 years!

Blog ya later-

K

Gone, gone baby, its all gone...

are the lyrics stuck in my head from a song I can't remember anything else about!!! But, the port is gone-YAY!

I went in this morning to Mo-Bapt and after the usual waiting and then confirming information and waiting some more they finally took me in for my under 10 minute(I think it was really more like under 5!!!!) surgery and now I am free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that in the big scheme of things this was one of the most minor bumps in the road...but it was truly one of the most irritating for me. Aside from just being a bump that stuck out of my body at a bothersome place it had that tube that ran up into my neck and I could always see and feel that and now it is gone and I can't help but touching my neck all the time now and smiling:D

I won't lie though, the area where the port was is sore.....and getting sorer as the numbing meds wear off but heck that is a very small price to pay to get rid of it....and I have a variety of pain meds to choose from so it is something I an easily manage too.

So now we just look to next week and the beginning of the new parts of me:)

Hope you all had a nice and safe New Years.

Blog ya later-

K