It could be worse...

you could be......(fill in the blank).

We have all said that at some point to boost someone up when they were down or even to get them to stop complaining, I've done it too. And sometimes it is something random, like "dead", "mangled in that turbine", "like Jessica-who's husband just left her with 3 kids under 5"...you get the pic.(btw, there is no Jessica in my life like that, it was just an example)

But I came to realize today that I now get used in that sentence! I am a threat/warning to quit bemoaning your life and move on cause it could be a whole lot worse.......I don't quite know how to feel about that! In fact I feel kind of guilty.

Yes, the past 8 months have been no fun and at times painful, sad, scary and bewildering, but....all things considered, I got off easy. My chemo went relatively well and was short(in time span). I didn't have to have radiation. It hadn't spread into the lymph nodes. All I lost was my hair and boobs, both of which are growing back...in their own fashion:) I never got completely debilitated by any of it and I continue to feel pretty darn good physically. I just really feel like I was blessed by the fast track I got on and all of the thoughts and prayers which surrounded me an held me up even in the low times. And really the bottom line is this.....its back to the survivor label again.

I just don't know how/if I want to embrace that publicly........for all my outgoingness, I don't like to thrust myself into situations where I am front and center. I will do so to speak for someone else or a cause but somehow this is different. I think part of it is that Cancer steals so much from you that is beyond your control and in some ways forces you to be front and center by just the way you look. You can get a wig.... but it will never be the same as your old hair was, at least not for me. You can rest and eat healthy and you will still get puffy because of the drugs.

All summer I refused to wear anything on my head when I would drive. Partly because it was hot and partly because I figured why bother...it was pretty obvious that I had some form of cancer by the hair loss and puffiness so why bother? But now.....ok, in a month or so, my hair will actually be at a length that some women pay lots of money to have their cut to regularly and part of me is craving getting back to that so I could just be someone with short hair....not an obvious cancer patient. And I get that I am supposed to be an inspiration for others who will(unfortunately) get cancer and do need to know that they can and will make it but......do I have to be front and center? Can't I just keep writing this blog, tie it together in a book and remain somewhat anonymous? After all the only way I wanted to be famous was to be President and I have rethought that a lot recently to realize that is not really what I want to do either....I would if I got elected but that would never happen for a variety of reasons which I won't go into now.

Anyway.....I know that God has plans, and obviously this is part of it....I just wish He'd clue me in on the next step so I can brace myself or relax.

Different subject-SNOW!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!

But, cause Fate loves to mess with me, I have a sore throat and can barely swallow so I don't get to play in it!!!! Of course....... double rats.

Hope you all enjoyed it:)

Blog ya later-
K