Ok...it was pretty good. HSM at the Muny that is. And for those of you who don't know what HSM is....well....one day you will I am sure, until then, live in bliss:P
Really it was a beautiful evening, better than one could have envisioned for the end of June in STL, but it was in the low 70s and felt like mid-60s with the breeze. And that is heaven compared to some shows I have seen where it is 102 in the shade! The girls of course loved it and I have to admit that was by far the best part, just watching their faces as they sat raptly staring at the stage. It was so sweet....made me tear up:) And the show wasn't too shabby either:) The actor playing Troy was uncanny in his performance, he sounded so much like him at times I wondered if there wasn't a tape playing the soundtrack somewhere. And he was a KHS grad to boot! A tad younger than Ed and I but he dedicated his performances this year to Flasch and we thought that was very sweet. The other actors were good too, they really were, it was just his voice that amazed me!
Anyway, back to the C topic:P(Thought I'd forgotten that maybe...LOL) I took off the steri-strips on my neck and that has helped somewhat with the whole port thing, altho it still does poke out too much for my liking but I don't think I can do anything about that and I suppose I can live with it for 3 more months if it will help in the long run. I drove for the first time in a week today and we survived-lol-j/k, I mean we did but it wasn't that bad, just had to adjust to not having the same turn radius in my neck as normal....just one more adjustment:)
Other than that I am doing well, we all are. Hope you all enjoyed the wonderful weather this past weekend...and how many of you think we are gonna pay for it in Aug and Sept? Lol....
Blog ya later-
K
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Edgy
Apparently I have gotten a tad edgy! I didn't mean to, I guess it just sorta happened. I have to think it might have something to do with my current state of health, but perhaps I have just gotten jaded in my old age!LOL
Well I have to say this week has been tough. The port is not nearly as.....unobtrusive as I thought it would be! It has been quite an adjustment and I am still not completely convinced that everything is ok but I am slowly accepting it. Ed has been wonderful. Taking care of my every need and whim and when he was back at work checking on me several times a day. I couldn't have asked for a better man and I am so thankful that God saw fit to let me share my life with this one:) He has been patient with my fits of despair(yes, I do have them) and also my chemo brain when I can't find the right words. He has taken up all of the household chores like a trooper and still made the yard look beautiful at the same time. And not to mention he actually set foot in "Teen and BeTween" yesterday to get a present for a party L went too..he really is amazing:)
It has been quiet up till yesterday, as the girls were at the lake with my parents all week. Who are also amazing btw:) And I really appreciated it as I needed the rest, but it is nice to have the swirling chaos they bring back in our lives as well.....for now anyway, I may change my mind next week, we'll see:P We are indulging B in a "Harry-thon", she likes Harry Potter quite a bit and we watched "Chamber" last night and now they are settled in on the couch watching "Sorcerer's Stone" and reading on this somewhat gray and gloomy day and that is fine by me as I will join them shortly:)
Hope you all have had a nice week and enjoy the weekend. We will be at HSM at the Muny tomorrow night......I'll let you know how that one goes but I do know the girls will enjoy it greatly and it looks as if Mother Nature is going to cooperate on temps too:)
Blog ya later-
K
Well I have to say this week has been tough. The port is not nearly as.....unobtrusive as I thought it would be! It has been quite an adjustment and I am still not completely convinced that everything is ok but I am slowly accepting it. Ed has been wonderful. Taking care of my every need and whim and when he was back at work checking on me several times a day. I couldn't have asked for a better man and I am so thankful that God saw fit to let me share my life with this one:) He has been patient with my fits of despair(yes, I do have them) and also my chemo brain when I can't find the right words. He has taken up all of the household chores like a trooper and still made the yard look beautiful at the same time. And not to mention he actually set foot in "Teen and BeTween" yesterday to get a present for a party L went too..he really is amazing:)
It has been quiet up till yesterday, as the girls were at the lake with my parents all week. Who are also amazing btw:) And I really appreciated it as I needed the rest, but it is nice to have the swirling chaos they bring back in our lives as well.....for now anyway, I may change my mind next week, we'll see:P We are indulging B in a "Harry-thon", she likes Harry Potter quite a bit and we watched "Chamber" last night and now they are settled in on the couch watching "Sorcerer's Stone" and reading on this somewhat gray and gloomy day and that is fine by me as I will join them shortly:)
Hope you all have had a nice week and enjoy the weekend. We will be at HSM at the Muny tomorrow night......I'll let you know how that one goes but I do know the girls will enjoy it greatly and it looks as if Mother Nature is going to cooperate on temps too:)
Blog ya later-
K
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Sooo much
hair...everywhere. It is shedding all over and it won't stop. I figured it would all be gone by now but oh no, its not! Now I know I shouldn't complain b/c many people out there have thin hair and would love to have thicker hair, but right now I wish I had less. I did love my thick hair, so very much, it was my signature in so many ways and now it is the bane of my existence-LOL-such a turn of events:)
As for the rest of me.... I hate my boobs! No really, not just b/c they are cancer carrying bags of fat but b/c they are heavy...sooooo very heavy, I am gonna have the surgeon weigh them when she takes them off b/c I am convinced they are like 5lbs each! And the problem with that is the left one is still pulling on the skin around the port and it is not a very nice sensation. As a matter of fact it totally sux. I had finally been able to go around the house braless and free because I no longer had to worry about sagging since they are going to be gone this fall and now I have to not only wear a bra but I have to hold my boob up too!
Alas the troubles I have-lol-I realize they are somewhat trivial when looking at the bigger picture but I just had to get it off my chest.....:P I couldn't resist:)
On the brighter side of things I am getting Chinese tonight! YAY! Due to B's soy allergy we have not had Chinese in a looooooooooooooong time and I so miss it and we will be heading out to an old fave from before we were even married, I can't wait for "sizzling rice soup" yum:)
Have a nice day and hopefully we will stay somewhat dry!
Blog ya later,
K
As for the rest of me.... I hate my boobs! No really, not just b/c they are cancer carrying bags of fat but b/c they are heavy...sooooo very heavy, I am gonna have the surgeon weigh them when she takes them off b/c I am convinced they are like 5lbs each! And the problem with that is the left one is still pulling on the skin around the port and it is not a very nice sensation. As a matter of fact it totally sux. I had finally been able to go around the house braless and free because I no longer had to worry about sagging since they are going to be gone this fall and now I have to not only wear a bra but I have to hold my boob up too!
Alas the troubles I have-lol-I realize they are somewhat trivial when looking at the bigger picture but I just had to get it off my chest.....:P I couldn't resist:)
On the brighter side of things I am getting Chinese tonight! YAY! Due to B's soy allergy we have not had Chinese in a looooooooooooooong time and I so miss it and we will be heading out to an old fave from before we were even married, I can't wait for "sizzling rice soup" yum:)
Have a nice day and hopefully we will stay somewhat dry!
Blog ya later,
K
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
2 down
Just a short post to let you all know I am ok. Chemo was fine, tiring but fine. The port they put in is a different matter. Anesthesia made me sick and my neck and left upper chest are still sore and bruised from the surgery but other than that it went well too. And thankfully my right arm is pretty much back to normal from the biopsy so I have at least one side that is working well:)
Am losing hair in various places now so I guess it was good I was preemptive on that as well. The girls are with my parents for the week at the lake which is nice and Ed has been wonderful driving and nursing me as well, as waiting patiently at all of my appointments and all.
Thank you again to everyone for your cards and emails and notes on here I really appreciate it. And a special thanks to the angel who is bringing us dinner tonight, it will be so nice not to eat mac-n cheese again(not that I mind, I do like it, but you know:P )
Blog ya later,
K
Am losing hair in various places now so I guess it was good I was preemptive on that as well. The girls are with my parents for the week at the lake which is nice and Ed has been wonderful driving and nursing me as well, as waiting patiently at all of my appointments and all.
Thank you again to everyone for your cards and emails and notes on here I really appreciate it. And a special thanks to the angel who is bringing us dinner tonight, it will be so nice not to eat mac-n cheese again(not that I mind, I do like it, but you know:P )
Blog ya later,
K
Friday, June 20, 2008
Bald is...
different.
Not bad per se, altho much cooler, especially when the AC is blowing right on your head! Just different. I have never been one to dwell to much on what I look like and I hate mirrors so its not that weird when I look now b/c its just a passing glance anyway. But I will admit it makes some people very uncomfortable. Of course I am not about making other people comfortable with what I look like, and I have to admit, in a perverse sorta way I am enjoying freaking people out!
L and I went to the wig shop today(she is finally better Wooohoooo) and...well.....I have to say I didn't like any of them on me! They were all fluffy and big and my hair was just never like that, being that it was finer than fine and straighter than straight, I am not used to "body" on my head and I don't think I really like it. So I didn't get one and at this point may wait until this fall when it is cooler anyway, wait who am I kidding, this is STL, I meant this winter when it is cool:D and by then I will have hair again so we'll see.
Anyway, have some cool scarves already and a few ball caps I like, so I think for now I will just go with that. Although....if you see someone in a blue Marge Simpson wig....well then B will have won that argument:P
I hope you all have a great weekend. We are busy, busy trying to get in the last tball game and a BBQ for brownies before Monday's chemo so I may not be on this weekend but I will let you know how next week goes.
Thanks again for all your support and love.
Blog ya later-
K
Not bad per se, altho much cooler, especially when the AC is blowing right on your head! Just different. I have never been one to dwell to much on what I look like and I hate mirrors so its not that weird when I look now b/c its just a passing glance anyway. But I will admit it makes some people very uncomfortable. Of course I am not about making other people comfortable with what I look like, and I have to admit, in a perverse sorta way I am enjoying freaking people out!
L and I went to the wig shop today(she is finally better Wooohoooo) and...well.....I have to say I didn't like any of them on me! They were all fluffy and big and my hair was just never like that, being that it was finer than fine and straighter than straight, I am not used to "body" on my head and I don't think I really like it. So I didn't get one and at this point may wait until this fall when it is cooler anyway, wait who am I kidding, this is STL, I meant this winter when it is cool:D and by then I will have hair again so we'll see.
Anyway, have some cool scarves already and a few ball caps I like, so I think for now I will just go with that. Although....if you see someone in a blue Marge Simpson wig....well then B will have won that argument:P
I hope you all have a great weekend. We are busy, busy trying to get in the last tball game and a BBQ for brownies before Monday's chemo so I may not be on this weekend but I will let you know how next week goes.
Thanks again for all your support and love.
Blog ya later-
K
Thursday, June 19, 2008
To Wig or not to wig,
that is the question!
Ok, so the hair is gone. I shaved it myself. Was a.....very surreal experience. It hadn't started falling out in clumps but every time I touched my head hairs came out and it was getting icky. Now some of you know me well enough to know that I used to cut my own hair all the time. In fact you may remember that at my wedding I had hair halfway down my back(altho it was up for the actual wedding and reception) and the next morning before brunch I chopped it to just above my shoulder so cutting off my hair isn't a new thing per se, just to this length. I had an old friend volunteer to do it but I just felt I needed to get it done and since L is still sick I don't have time to go anywhere. We went to the Dr. btw, but saw someone else and it was kind of a relief. However it was the strangest thing, the way people looked at me.....they usually stare about a foot lower and it was kind of disconcerting frankly. That and the fact that if I happen to look at them they would look away so fast, I don't care, would much rather just get a smile than the glances away I got, guess I will have to get used to that.
I didn't sleep much last night. My own fault. I read too much. A book I recommend, "Boobs:a guide to your girls", it's not about cancer, just your boobs, and is a very informative read. And another one which was also good, "Nordies at Noon" about four young survivors. Problem is, they both had too much information and of course then I began to think(never a good idea) and I came to some startling conclusions....cancer sux(ok that's not startling but...), I am in every single bad category for my cancer but two, statistically speaking...cancer sux, and....there is something that my docs are not telling me. Every...EVERY story I have read so far including a blog of someone who had it worse than me just this Dec. and has my same Dr.s, has them doing chemo every three weeks.............now some people have said that some Dr.s are just different but I'm thinking, are you sure? Don't they kind of have guidelines from past experiences on how they do treatments?
And ok, maybe I'm wrong and over thinking but hmmmmmmm.
Oh and I also found out about "chemo brain". Apparently it can fry your brain...lovely, and leave you having "blonde moments" for the rest of your life. Interesting, I'll let you know on that one, or maybe not if I forget:P
Anyway, I'm gonna try and nap with L, we're both exhausted and put the rest of this out of my brain.
But...should I get a wig? and if so, what color? I mean it will grow back and it WILL be blonde again so why would I get a blonde wig...that would be no fun in the future. But I just don't know...any thoughts?
Ok, so the hair is gone. I shaved it myself. Was a.....very surreal experience. It hadn't started falling out in clumps but every time I touched my head hairs came out and it was getting icky. Now some of you know me well enough to know that I used to cut my own hair all the time. In fact you may remember that at my wedding I had hair halfway down my back(altho it was up for the actual wedding and reception) and the next morning before brunch I chopped it to just above my shoulder so cutting off my hair isn't a new thing per se, just to this length. I had an old friend volunteer to do it but I just felt I needed to get it done and since L is still sick I don't have time to go anywhere. We went to the Dr. btw, but saw someone else and it was kind of a relief. However it was the strangest thing, the way people looked at me.....they usually stare about a foot lower and it was kind of disconcerting frankly. That and the fact that if I happen to look at them they would look away so fast, I don't care, would much rather just get a smile than the glances away I got, guess I will have to get used to that.
I didn't sleep much last night. My own fault. I read too much. A book I recommend, "Boobs:a guide to your girls", it's not about cancer, just your boobs, and is a very informative read. And another one which was also good, "Nordies at Noon" about four young survivors. Problem is, they both had too much information and of course then I began to think(never a good idea) and I came to some startling conclusions....cancer sux(ok that's not startling but...), I am in every single bad category for my cancer but two, statistically speaking...cancer sux, and....there is something that my docs are not telling me. Every...EVERY story I have read so far including a blog of someone who had it worse than me just this Dec. and has my same Dr.s, has them doing chemo every three weeks.............now some people have said that some Dr.s are just different but I'm thinking, are you sure? Don't they kind of have guidelines from past experiences on how they do treatments?
And ok, maybe I'm wrong and over thinking but hmmmmmmm.
Oh and I also found out about "chemo brain". Apparently it can fry your brain...lovely, and leave you having "blonde moments" for the rest of your life. Interesting, I'll let you know on that one, or maybe not if I forget:P
Anyway, I'm gonna try and nap with L, we're both exhausted and put the rest of this out of my brain.
But...should I get a wig? and if so, what color? I mean it will grow back and it WILL be blonde again so why would I get a blonde wig...that would be no fun in the future. But I just don't know...any thoughts?
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Ugh
ok, today has been a ugh day. Physically I have been fine mostly, a bit of pain in my boob occasionally but I chalk that up to the chemo battling the cancer and winning(think a prizefight aka Rocky, it makes the picture that much more fun:)) L is still sick, poor doll, and tomorrow if her fever has not broke we will be going to the Doc which will actually be kind of painful in and of itself as he is a friend that I used to babysit for and he and his wife and three of their kids were at our wedding and I dread telling him the news.(Yes there are some things K is not strong enough to tackle head on)
But mentally.....it has been ugh.
I actually wrote out my "official" diagnosis for the first time and I think it has sunk it finally. And just so you know what I mean, here it is-Invasive Ductal Breast Cancer stage2(T2,N0,M0), grade 3, HER2 negative, in connection with the BRAC2 gene. Sheesh..see what I mean?
I have cancer....at 35.....CANCER....what the *%!*#*$*#*#*#*#? Now I'm not a big cusser but that was exactly every word you thought it was.
I do not like this one bit
I do not like this, not a wit
I do like cancer, left breast or right
I do not like cancer in my sight
Sorry, the good DR. S just momentarily invaded.
Anyway, just thought I would share that I am still gonna win....I'm am just extremely unhappy about it at the moment.
Blog ya later-
K
But mentally.....it has been ugh.
I actually wrote out my "official" diagnosis for the first time and I think it has sunk it finally. And just so you know what I mean, here it is-Invasive Ductal Breast Cancer stage2(T2,N0,M0), grade 3, HER2 negative, in connection with the BRAC2 gene. Sheesh..see what I mean?
I have cancer....at 35.....CANCER....what the *%!*#*$*#*#*#*#? Now I'm not a big cusser but that was exactly every word you thought it was.
I do not like this one bit
I do not like this, not a wit
I do like cancer, left breast or right
I do not like cancer in my sight
Sorry, the good DR. S just momentarily invaded.
Anyway, just thought I would share that I am still gonna win....I'm am just extremely unhappy about it at the moment.
Blog ya later-
K
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Words
Words are amazing things. I have always loved the simplicity of some and the enormous complexity of others, not to mention those which have double ententes....so fun. And that silly saying we all heard as kids, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!" What delusional person who was trying to convince themselves of that really thought it up and said that aloud? I have had broken bones(many) and I can tell you that I would much rather have a stick thrown at me(ok, probably not a stone per se) than a perfectly timed put down. Physical wounds heal, even if it takes a while, but you can replay over and over words that hurt and endlessly question why that happened , what brought it to that point.
On the other hand, words can uplift you in the most amazing ways. Since I was diagnosed I have been deluged with words of encouragement, hope, love, strength, survival and sympathy. So much so that I have started crying at the drop of a hat....ok, I lied, I do that all the time anyway. But I am truly overwhelmed with the outpouring of support that I have received from far and wide, those I've known all my life to some I've never even met. You all have lifted me up more than I can express and in some ways I am fighting this fight to win it as much for all of you as for me.
Thank you for every single word and thought....truly it keeps me going. I know I seem strong and I tend to mask my anger and fears with jokes but with all of you pulling for me I feel like I have this invisible web of strength that is carrying me through every day. That and I am an incredibly stubborn person who tends to fight against anything established(ask my parents about my teen years.....no , wait, scratch that, just trust me:P ) and so I want you all to know that there is no way, no how that I am going to lose this, no matter what it takes..literally, no matter how many parts of me must go, cancer can never take anything of me that truly matters.
Now as for today....not a great day, but not the worst. My poor L is still sick and the fever keeps getting higher. My back has been spasming on and off all day long. I have a theory about that one, although not directly related to the cancer it is most likely due to the fact that I haven't been able to sleep on either side since the lymph node surgery and so it is not happy. My knees are aching but again, that is not necessarily cancer related either, more likely related to the injuries of my youth I have alluded to, but still, sucky. Other than that I'm feelin' fine....crying at all your words, but fine:)
So I bid you adieu for today-
Blog ya later-
K
PS..in case you were wondering what on earth that means, it is a play on words-LOL-I know, so funny aren't I? but on Simpsons, one of the characters, Nelson always says, "Smell ya later" which I find hilarious, and since I can't smell y'all....I will blog ya later:)
On the other hand, words can uplift you in the most amazing ways. Since I was diagnosed I have been deluged with words of encouragement, hope, love, strength, survival and sympathy. So much so that I have started crying at the drop of a hat....ok, I lied, I do that all the time anyway. But I am truly overwhelmed with the outpouring of support that I have received from far and wide, those I've known all my life to some I've never even met. You all have lifted me up more than I can express and in some ways I am fighting this fight to win it as much for all of you as for me.
Thank you for every single word and thought....truly it keeps me going. I know I seem strong and I tend to mask my anger and fears with jokes but with all of you pulling for me I feel like I have this invisible web of strength that is carrying me through every day. That and I am an incredibly stubborn person who tends to fight against anything established(ask my parents about my teen years.....no , wait, scratch that, just trust me:P ) and so I want you all to know that there is no way, no how that I am going to lose this, no matter what it takes..literally, no matter how many parts of me must go, cancer can never take anything of me that truly matters.
Now as for today....not a great day, but not the worst. My poor L is still sick and the fever keeps getting higher. My back has been spasming on and off all day long. I have a theory about that one, although not directly related to the cancer it is most likely due to the fact that I haven't been able to sleep on either side since the lymph node surgery and so it is not happy. My knees are aching but again, that is not necessarily cancer related either, more likely related to the injuries of my youth I have alluded to, but still, sucky. Other than that I'm feelin' fine....crying at all your words, but fine:)
So I bid you adieu for today-
Blog ya later-
K
PS..in case you were wondering what on earth that means, it is a play on words-LOL-I know, so funny aren't I? but on Simpsons, one of the characters, Nelson always says, "Smell ya later" which I find hilarious, and since I can't smell y'all....I will blog ya later:)
Monday, June 16, 2008
Alright Already
Do any of you ever turn on the news or read it and find that at least one story a day, commercial a break or breaking news interruption mirrors something in your daily life? Well I for one am sick and tired of it! Ever since I found the lump all I see is cancer..and not just any, but breast cancer and that's not even counting all of the Komen ads for the upcoming race in STL this weekend.
It happened again this morning as I opened CNN...scrolled through the news stories and there, two thirds of the way down was..."Surviving Triple Negative Breast Cancer"...what are the odds...really? Of course when I read it I realized once again I was an anomaly in the reality that we call life. Apparently it mostly affects young African American women who don't breastfeed.....the only part of that which applies to me is the young....hmmmmmmm. I also didn't really like the picture they painted of the survival rate, but that could be because I had just spent the morning getting an echo cardiogram, having blood drawn to check my counts(which are good btw-YAY), having my lymph node biopsy drained b/c there was excess fluid that wasn't allowing me to close my arm, having the incision checked and oh yes, being told the results of my BRAC genetic test. Which led me to this point because you see...I am a carrier. I have the marker for the BRAC2 gene which can mean early breast cancer of the very aggressive kind(nooooo, really?) that can and most likely will come back(again yay for the foresight to go with the perky new boobs) and also ovarian cancer! WAAAAIIIIITTTTT
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hold on a second...can you repeat that for me? Because for a second there I thought you said ovarian cancer...you know...the one that does still kill nowadays....
Oh.....you did.
Sooooo..it would appear that I will also be having my ovaries removed. And you all thought perky new boobs was my bonus...oh no, she has also won, in the category of K's insane life changes, the ability...wait, lack of ability to have any more kids. Ok, granted those of you who know me at all know that L and B are all I want....well, I admit to occasional babyitis, but then I remember how much I love sleep and it goes away. Soooo, no ovaries....that means no periods too(right? I'm gonna have to check that..it darn well better! :P)....well maybe its not so bad, and they did say it was outpatient so heck I will get to go home and sleep in my very own bed that night......o..alright, if you must.
I am thinking at this point there really can't be anything else they can shock me with...I did however knock on wood after typing that just to be safe:)
But other than that ..it was a good day, oh wait I forgot to mention that the girls started Girl Scout Camp today and poor L had to come home at noon cause she had a fever and still does and is asleep, poor baby. But B had a wonderful time and I am doing well today.
And...I still have hair...but the clock is tickin' on that one!
Anyway-Love to you all-
Blog ya later-
K
It happened again this morning as I opened CNN...scrolled through the news stories and there, two thirds of the way down was..."Surviving Triple Negative Breast Cancer"...what are the odds...really? Of course when I read it I realized once again I was an anomaly in the reality that we call life. Apparently it mostly affects young African American women who don't breastfeed.....the only part of that which applies to me is the young....hmmmmmmm. I also didn't really like the picture they painted of the survival rate, but that could be because I had just spent the morning getting an echo cardiogram, having blood drawn to check my counts(which are good btw-YAY), having my lymph node biopsy drained b/c there was excess fluid that wasn't allowing me to close my arm, having the incision checked and oh yes, being told the results of my BRAC genetic test. Which led me to this point because you see...I am a carrier. I have the marker for the BRAC2 gene which can mean early breast cancer of the very aggressive kind(nooooo, really?) that can and most likely will come back(again yay for the foresight to go with the perky new boobs) and also ovarian cancer! WAAAAIIIIITTTTT
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hold on a second...can you repeat that for me? Because for a second there I thought you said ovarian cancer...you know...the one that does still kill nowadays....
Oh.....you did.
Sooooo..it would appear that I will also be having my ovaries removed. And you all thought perky new boobs was my bonus...oh no, she has also won, in the category of K's insane life changes, the ability...wait, lack of ability to have any more kids. Ok, granted those of you who know me at all know that L and B are all I want....well, I admit to occasional babyitis, but then I remember how much I love sleep and it goes away. Soooo, no ovaries....that means no periods too(right? I'm gonna have to check that..it darn well better! :P)....well maybe its not so bad, and they did say it was outpatient so heck I will get to go home and sleep in my very own bed that night......o..alright, if you must.
I am thinking at this point there really can't be anything else they can shock me with...I did however knock on wood after typing that just to be safe:)
But other than that ..it was a good day, oh wait I forgot to mention that the girls started Girl Scout Camp today and poor L had to come home at noon cause she had a fever and still does and is asleep, poor baby. But B had a wonderful time and I am doing well today.
And...I still have hair...but the clock is tickin' on that one!
Anyway-Love to you all-
Blog ya later-
K
Saturday, June 14, 2008
How do I fix that?
Motherhood.....one of the hardest jobs on the planet in my opinion, but one that I wouldn't trade for the world. It is my job to love, comfort, reassure, direct and on rare occasions even give my opinion...I said rare occasions:P But mostly due to the fact that we haven't actually entered the pre-teen or teen era my girls still want me around....I know they will always need me around, but wanting will be a different story someday:)
So how do I deal with this for them? How can I help them to understand that it will be ok and mom will be fine and nothing will change except my hair and energy for a few months? L is doing pretty good. She is old enough to understand most of it and has embraced writing in a diary(that she assures me will be a best seller one day) and is letting her feelings out. She is also able to help out. She can make food and clean up and so does the little things that help me and her, by allowing her to have a sense of power over everything. B, well, that's a different story. She is my baby and has always been a momma's girl, granted she has no fears and is totally a social butterfly, but she always comes back to the "nest" of mom at the end of the day and that is where she is safe and happy. Now that nest is hurt and she doesn't know what to do. She vacillates between her carefree spirited self and someone who has reverted to an actual baby. She has told all of us several times she wants to be six again(she turned 7 at the end of May) and for a bit we were puzzled, she soooooooooo wanted to be seven, but then it clicked...when she was 6, mom was fine.
WHOA.....that was like a semi hitting the brick wall of my head......how do I deal with that? And how do I make it better for her? This is not something I ever wanted them to have to deal with....and if they would have to, certainly not this young...I know I can't change fate and ultimately none of it is up to me but...as a mom...I wish I could fix it for them and make everything ok.
Anyway, just some thoughts I have been having.
On a different note, my younger brother is in town and I got to see him for a bit yesterday which was very nice...we needed to reassure each other that it would all be ok. Of course I had a touch of the stomach flu that is going around(what the....isn't it June? oh well) and spent most of the visit laying on the couch having my wonderful anti-nausea drugs work but not the migraine ones.....but it was nice to visit and finally be able to get all the info out in one batch instead of pieces. It's weird how each time I talk about it I actually feel better, like I understand it more or something, maybe its empowering me by this being my control over it, who knows!
So, I feel much better today, and since it is a sunny day, maybe we'll even hit the pool later. After we run all the other errands that seem to have slipped past me this week of course, including getting the girls ready for Girl Scout Day Camp next week....my how time flies when you're in a fog:)
Hope everyone has a wonderful father's day, give yours a hug, they're the only one you've got you know:)
Blog ya later-
K
So how do I deal with this for them? How can I help them to understand that it will be ok and mom will be fine and nothing will change except my hair and energy for a few months? L is doing pretty good. She is old enough to understand most of it and has embraced writing in a diary(that she assures me will be a best seller one day) and is letting her feelings out. She is also able to help out. She can make food and clean up and so does the little things that help me and her, by allowing her to have a sense of power over everything. B, well, that's a different story. She is my baby and has always been a momma's girl, granted she has no fears and is totally a social butterfly, but she always comes back to the "nest" of mom at the end of the day and that is where she is safe and happy. Now that nest is hurt and she doesn't know what to do. She vacillates between her carefree spirited self and someone who has reverted to an actual baby. She has told all of us several times she wants to be six again(she turned 7 at the end of May) and for a bit we were puzzled, she soooooooooo wanted to be seven, but then it clicked...when she was 6, mom was fine.
WHOA.....that was like a semi hitting the brick wall of my head......how do I deal with that? And how do I make it better for her? This is not something I ever wanted them to have to deal with....and if they would have to, certainly not this young...I know I can't change fate and ultimately none of it is up to me but...as a mom...I wish I could fix it for them and make everything ok.
Anyway, just some thoughts I have been having.
On a different note, my younger brother is in town and I got to see him for a bit yesterday which was very nice...we needed to reassure each other that it would all be ok. Of course I had a touch of the stomach flu that is going around(what the....isn't it June? oh well) and spent most of the visit laying on the couch having my wonderful anti-nausea drugs work but not the migraine ones.....but it was nice to visit and finally be able to get all the info out in one batch instead of pieces. It's weird how each time I talk about it I actually feel better, like I understand it more or something, maybe its empowering me by this being my control over it, who knows!
So, I feel much better today, and since it is a sunny day, maybe we'll even hit the pool later. After we run all the other errands that seem to have slipped past me this week of course, including getting the girls ready for Girl Scout Day Camp next week....my how time flies when you're in a fog:)
Hope everyone has a wonderful father's day, give yours a hug, they're the only one you've got you know:)
Blog ya later-
K
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Something Completely Different
Yesterday we had Belle's 7th bday party at our local pool and let me tell ya.....it was fun:)
Complete with 15 wild and crazy 7 year olds, 3 even crazier 9 yr old sibling sisters and several wonderful moms who stayed to help and supervise. I think a wonderful time was had by all and I know Belle enjoyed it immensely, since she thanked us profusely on the way to and from the pool! It was nice to be able to still pull something like this off and I am happy it came early on in the "Big C" process because it could have been very overwhelming later on. But I got to sit in the sun for a bit and chat with one of the moms and then watch as all the girls gave Belle presents that she just adores(is playing with 5 or 6 of them right now actually) and saw the joy on all of their faces the whole time.
It brought me back momentarily to the time when you are young and giving the gift and seeing someone else get a cool gift is just as fun and brings you just as much joy as actually receiving the gift. I think we could all do well to remember our younger selves and take joy in everything we can.....after all, no one knows what the future will bring so carpe diem.
Ok that was a tad philosophical for me, but I'm in a mood today:)
Hope you all are having a wonderful day.
Blog ya later-
K
Complete with 15 wild and crazy 7 year olds, 3 even crazier 9 yr old sibling sisters and several wonderful moms who stayed to help and supervise. I think a wonderful time was had by all and I know Belle enjoyed it immensely, since she thanked us profusely on the way to and from the pool! It was nice to be able to still pull something like this off and I am happy it came early on in the "Big C" process because it could have been very overwhelming later on. But I got to sit in the sun for a bit and chat with one of the moms and then watch as all the girls gave Belle presents that she just adores(is playing with 5 or 6 of them right now actually) and saw the joy on all of their faces the whole time.
It brought me back momentarily to the time when you are young and giving the gift and seeing someone else get a cool gift is just as fun and brings you just as much joy as actually receiving the gift. I think we could all do well to remember our younger selves and take joy in everything we can.....after all, no one knows what the future will bring so carpe diem.
Ok that was a tad philosophical for me, but I'm in a mood today:)
Hope you all are having a wonderful day.
Blog ya later-
K
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
One down...
Seven to go!
Well I had my first chemo yesterday. It went well actually, but I've been told the first week isn't bad as your body is still healthy, it's the second week that kicks ya! They gave me some steroids with the treatment and that actually had me buzzing, I don't do steroids well, usually only take 3-4 mg and they gave me 10!!!! I was talking non-stop:) But as that wore off, I started to crash and about 2:30 i went down for good. I dozed until 8 am and that was perfectly fine with me:)
So details are this-lymph node biopsy came back with all five nodes they took as negative for cancer!YAY YAY YAY Chemo is 8 doses total, at intervals of every other week, which ends Sept 15th fyi:P And then we do more tests, make sure it's dead and then onto the perky new boobs-YAY
Only thing left is the hair and that has 10-15 days so they said.....we already got scarves and the girls are rearing to go buy a wig so I will let you know how that goes.
Thanks for all your prayers and support.
Blog ya later-
K
Well I had my first chemo yesterday. It went well actually, but I've been told the first week isn't bad as your body is still healthy, it's the second week that kicks ya! They gave me some steroids with the treatment and that actually had me buzzing, I don't do steroids well, usually only take 3-4 mg and they gave me 10!!!! I was talking non-stop:) But as that wore off, I started to crash and about 2:30 i went down for good. I dozed until 8 am and that was perfectly fine with me:)
So details are this-lymph node biopsy came back with all five nodes they took as negative for cancer!YAY YAY YAY Chemo is 8 doses total, at intervals of every other week, which ends Sept 15th fyi:P And then we do more tests, make sure it's dead and then onto the perky new boobs-YAY
Only thing left is the hair and that has 10-15 days so they said.....we already got scarves and the girls are rearing to go buy a wig so I will let you know how that goes.
Thanks for all your prayers and support.
Blog ya later-
K
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Strength
Now there are many kinds of strength as we all know, physical, inner, mental as well as others.
I like to think I have great inner strength, that I have grown in it as I have made my way through life's various trials and tribulations. I also like to think that I have a good deal of physical strength in my way of dealing with pain in particular. Those of you who know me well, know I have had my share of injuries that frankly confound the mind in my ability to have done them to myself! However, having survived those and also having given birth to my two beautiful mini-mes sans medication, I know I can tolerate quite a bit. So...let me just say, this biopsy totally hurt-ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow and oh yes, OW!
Apparently I was still under the influence of some of the anesthesia on Thurs. when I last posted , because yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks. My right arm and muscles there are fine, however, as we all know, they are connected to so many other parts and those are not so good. Basically my armpit is, well, a big owie. In her "lymph node diving" expedition, my wonderful Dr. did not actually cut any muscles but she had to probe and "fish" quite a bit to get to the nodes she wanted and my body did not like that very much.
And so here I sit, or lay, depending on what I can tolerate and pump myself full of drugs, of which I wish I had stronger ones! So much for inner strength on that end. It is getting better slowly, but I know it will be fine eventually and I can handle that, just wish I could brush my teeth normally again, it's interesting what you find bothers you most when you get hurt:)
Ok back to the couch to recline and ice.
Blog ya later-
K
I like to think I have great inner strength, that I have grown in it as I have made my way through life's various trials and tribulations. I also like to think that I have a good deal of physical strength in my way of dealing with pain in particular. Those of you who know me well, know I have had my share of injuries that frankly confound the mind in my ability to have done them to myself! However, having survived those and also having given birth to my two beautiful mini-mes sans medication, I know I can tolerate quite a bit. So...let me just say, this biopsy totally hurt-ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow and oh yes, OW!
Apparently I was still under the influence of some of the anesthesia on Thurs. when I last posted , because yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks. My right arm and muscles there are fine, however, as we all know, they are connected to so many other parts and those are not so good. Basically my armpit is, well, a big owie. In her "lymph node diving" expedition, my wonderful Dr. did not actually cut any muscles but she had to probe and "fish" quite a bit to get to the nodes she wanted and my body did not like that very much.
And so here I sit, or lay, depending on what I can tolerate and pump myself full of drugs, of which I wish I had stronger ones! So much for inner strength on that end. It is getting better slowly, but I know it will be fine eventually and I can handle that, just wish I could brush my teeth normally again, it's interesting what you find bothers you most when you get hurt:)
Ok back to the couch to recline and ice.
Blog ya later-
K
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Radioactive Woman
Who's that you might ask? It's me..ta-da!
Bet ya didn't know that, I didn't either until I went in for the lymph node biopsy yesterday. Apparently they shoot you up with radioactive dye so it can travel to your lymph nodes so they can find them to take some out and check that there is no spread of the cancer. Which..all indications from the five she took out yesterday show there is no spread..YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!
But..it means you have radioactive dye in you and it has to come out somehow.....which I figured so that didn't surprise me. But what did is when I went to change shirts for bed last night.....I had taken out my contacts and so things were a bit fuzzy and I looked down to see what the "damage" was this time and I freaked because it looked like my entire boob was a big bruise! I calmed down quickly upon closer examination when I realize that it was just the dye! But now I have one blue boob! And it is a pretty turquoise blue at that. Definitely a good way to freak out the hubby too:P Ok, I have to have fun when and where I can these days ya know:)
So, I now have one blue boob, not sure for how long, it seems to have faded slightly from last night...I wish there was a way to exploit this...ok I am a tad twisted but, when will this ever happen again, and can't you just imagine the looks on people's faces when the saw it?
Anyway, good news although it won't be confirmed until next week when the pathology labs come back from the biopsy(so I knock on wood every time I think about it) but I certainly hope Dr. O was right about the nodes. However, I still start chemo on Monday, right after my appt. with my oncologist, and did I mention that is at 7:30 am.......so not my time of day:)
I have no idea what the regimen will be or what the cocktail will be either. All I know is that it will start and then eventually I will have the mastectomy surgery but that could be in Aug. or Sept., who knows!
I will keep y'all updated and of course let you know what Monday brings. Enjoy the first week of June.
Blog ya later-
K
Bet ya didn't know that, I didn't either until I went in for the lymph node biopsy yesterday. Apparently they shoot you up with radioactive dye so it can travel to your lymph nodes so they can find them to take some out and check that there is no spread of the cancer. Which..all indications from the five she took out yesterday show there is no spread..YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!
But..it means you have radioactive dye in you and it has to come out somehow.....which I figured so that didn't surprise me. But what did is when I went to change shirts for bed last night.....I had taken out my contacts and so things were a bit fuzzy and I looked down to see what the "damage" was this time and I freaked because it looked like my entire boob was a big bruise! I calmed down quickly upon closer examination when I realize that it was just the dye! But now I have one blue boob! And it is a pretty turquoise blue at that. Definitely a good way to freak out the hubby too:P Ok, I have to have fun when and where I can these days ya know:)
So, I now have one blue boob, not sure for how long, it seems to have faded slightly from last night...I wish there was a way to exploit this...ok I am a tad twisted but, when will this ever happen again, and can't you just imagine the looks on people's faces when the saw it?
Anyway, good news although it won't be confirmed until next week when the pathology labs come back from the biopsy(so I knock on wood every time I think about it) but I certainly hope Dr. O was right about the nodes. However, I still start chemo on Monday, right after my appt. with my oncologist, and did I mention that is at 7:30 am.......so not my time of day:)
I have no idea what the regimen will be or what the cocktail will be either. All I know is that it will start and then eventually I will have the mastectomy surgery but that could be in Aug. or Sept., who knows!
I will keep y'all updated and of course let you know what Monday brings. Enjoy the first week of June.
Blog ya later-
K
Monday, June 2, 2008
Well now...
it would seems as if I have a new diagnosis and plan of action as of this morning.
The MRI came back showing that the original lump is actually bigger than they thought, 3cm, and that there is a second lump further or deeper in my breast. Sooooo, they are now going to do surgery to check the lymph nodes this Wed. morning and then I will meet with the oncologist next Monday at 7:30 am(don't they know I am not a morning person?!?!? sheesh) to discuss the results and plan the chemo regimen which will start next week also! The mastectomies surgery has been put on hold until after the first round of chemo. Now I have no idea as of yet how long that will be or what it will include as far as how many treatments a week and what meds and of course........this could all change if the surgery Wed. shows that it has spread to the lymph nodes.
Anyway, I just thought I would let you all know what was happening. As far as how I am doing...pretty good still, starting to get tired of the tables getting turned on me time and time again, but maybe that's just God's way of asking me to trust Him and give this over to Him. And I must admit that although I do believe it......I am kind of a control freak about me and I am struggling with not being in any kind of control over this. Oh and the girls have been on summer vacation for precisely one week and I am already at my wits end...soooo
take my children...please :P
Just kidding...well mostly, but keep them in your prayers too.
Blog ya later-
K
The MRI came back showing that the original lump is actually bigger than they thought, 3cm, and that there is a second lump further or deeper in my breast. Sooooo, they are now going to do surgery to check the lymph nodes this Wed. morning and then I will meet with the oncologist next Monday at 7:30 am(don't they know I am not a morning person?!?!? sheesh) to discuss the results and plan the chemo regimen which will start next week also! The mastectomies surgery has been put on hold until after the first round of chemo. Now I have no idea as of yet how long that will be or what it will include as far as how many treatments a week and what meds and of course........this could all change if the surgery Wed. shows that it has spread to the lymph nodes.
Anyway, I just thought I would let you all know what was happening. As far as how I am doing...pretty good still, starting to get tired of the tables getting turned on me time and time again, but maybe that's just God's way of asking me to trust Him and give this over to Him. And I must admit that although I do believe it......I am kind of a control freak about me and I am struggling with not being in any kind of control over this. Oh and the girls have been on summer vacation for precisely one week and I am already at my wits end...soooo
take my children...please :P
Just kidding...well mostly, but keep them in your prayers too.
Blog ya later-
K
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