I have forgotten to share with you all the most hilarious thing that came in the mail recently.
It is this pretty little pink and purple plastic credit card size card for my implants! Now I got one for my port...I assumed to carry with in case I was in an accident and I couldn't talk. But I was a bit stumped as to why I would need to alert EMTs to my implants....and then I read the fine print at the bottom.....
Due to a metallic compound in the implants, do not come into contact with a MRI machine and be aware that the compound may set off metal detectors.
LOL-LOL-LOL-LOL
So envision if you will how much this tickled me since you may have guessed if you have been reading my blog for a while or just if you know me how much I truly enjoy humor at my expense and all I can think of now is walking into an airport and trying to get through the checkpoint. It goes off and they ask me to step aside and they wand me and it goes off over my boobs! How completely hilarious is that? Because you know, when you are in line and some gets pulled aside...you watch...we all do, it is human nature to be curious....plus.....you either want them to be "caught" or you want to laugh at the incompetence of the whole thing, so you watch. What would your reaction be to seeing the wand go off over my boobs? Would you just think I had..."decorations" there or would you wonder about the wand? Or would you just laugh either way as it would be pretty silly?
I also wonder about setting off the alarms in stores and what a hassle that could be, but I hate to shop so that shouldn't be that much of a problem. None-the-less....until the next surgery, I will be carrying that card with me since I don't think I would be able to stop laughing to explain!
Still sick so no fill up this week..I'm hoping for Monday...the flu stinks.
Blog ya later-
K
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Blessings
I have learned to cherish every one of them over the past eight months.
So even though woke up sick as a dog this morning-chills, fever, aches, pains..you name it....but in this I had a blessing too.
Cancer took three things from me, my hair, boobs and hormones.
My hair-growing back
My boobs-growing back...hee hee~still makes me laugh every time that I think about the fact that I am growing boobies at age 36!
My hormones-guess what.....or more precisely....guess who's visiting?!?!?!? YES, Aunt Flo!!!!
Never thought I would be this excited to get my period-LOL
But it just goes to show that I am young, strong, healthy and...fertile:P Not that ANYTHING is ever going to come of that but it is just nice to be back even more...and it explains last week a whole lot more as well:D
Now...back to bed:) or at least the couch to watch ER.
Blog ya later-
K
So even though woke up sick as a dog this morning-chills, fever, aches, pains..you name it....but in this I had a blessing too.
Cancer took three things from me, my hair, boobs and hormones.
My hair-growing back
My boobs-growing back...hee hee~still makes me laugh every time that I think about the fact that I am growing boobies at age 36!
My hormones-guess what.....or more precisely....guess who's visiting?!?!?!? YES, Aunt Flo!!!!
Never thought I would be this excited to get my period-LOL
But it just goes to show that I am young, strong, healthy and...fertile:P Not that ANYTHING is ever going to come of that but it is just nice to be back even more...and it explains last week a whole lot more as well:D
Now...back to bed:) or at least the couch to watch ER.
Blog ya later-
K
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
It could be worse...
you could be......(fill in the blank).
We have all said that at some point to boost someone up when they were down or even to get them to stop complaining, I've done it too. And sometimes it is something random, like "dead", "mangled in that turbine", "like Jessica-who's husband just left her with 3 kids under 5"...you get the pic.(btw, there is no Jessica in my life like that, it was just an example)
But I came to realize today that I now get used in that sentence! I am a threat/warning to quit bemoaning your life and move on cause it could be a whole lot worse.......I don't quite know how to feel about that! In fact I feel kind of guilty.
Yes, the past 8 months have been no fun and at times painful, sad, scary and bewildering, but....all things considered, I got off easy. My chemo went relatively well and was short(in time span). I didn't have to have radiation. It hadn't spread into the lymph nodes. All I lost was my hair and boobs, both of which are growing back...in their own fashion:) I never got completely debilitated by any of it and I continue to feel pretty darn good physically. I just really feel like I was blessed by the fast track I got on and all of the thoughts and prayers which surrounded me an held me up even in the low times. And really the bottom line is this.....its back to the survivor label again.
I just don't know how/if I want to embrace that publicly........for all my outgoingness, I don't like to thrust myself into situations where I am front and center. I will do so to speak for someone else or a cause but somehow this is different. I think part of it is that Cancer steals so much from you that is beyond your control and in some ways forces you to be front and center by just the way you look. You can get a wig.... but it will never be the same as your old hair was, at least not for me. You can rest and eat healthy and you will still get puffy because of the drugs.
All summer I refused to wear anything on my head when I would drive. Partly because it was hot and partly because I figured why bother...it was pretty obvious that I had some form of cancer by the hair loss and puffiness so why bother? But now.....ok, in a month or so, my hair will actually be at a length that some women pay lots of money to have their cut to regularly and part of me is craving getting back to that so I could just be someone with short hair....not an obvious cancer patient. And I get that I am supposed to be an inspiration for others who will(unfortunately) get cancer and do need to know that they can and will make it but......do I have to be front and center? Can't I just keep writing this blog, tie it together in a book and remain somewhat anonymous? After all the only way I wanted to be famous was to be President and I have rethought that a lot recently to realize that is not really what I want to do either....I would if I got elected but that would never happen for a variety of reasons which I won't go into now.
Anyway.....I know that God has plans, and obviously this is part of it....I just wish He'd clue me in on the next step so I can brace myself or relax.
Different subject-SNOW!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!
But, cause Fate loves to mess with me, I have a sore throat and can barely swallow so I don't get to play in it!!!! Of course....... double rats.
Hope you all enjoyed it:)
Blog ya later-
K
We have all said that at some point to boost someone up when they were down or even to get them to stop complaining, I've done it too. And sometimes it is something random, like "dead", "mangled in that turbine", "like Jessica-who's husband just left her with 3 kids under 5"...you get the pic.(btw, there is no Jessica in my life like that, it was just an example)
But I came to realize today that I now get used in that sentence! I am a threat/warning to quit bemoaning your life and move on cause it could be a whole lot worse.......I don't quite know how to feel about that! In fact I feel kind of guilty.
Yes, the past 8 months have been no fun and at times painful, sad, scary and bewildering, but....all things considered, I got off easy. My chemo went relatively well and was short(in time span). I didn't have to have radiation. It hadn't spread into the lymph nodes. All I lost was my hair and boobs, both of which are growing back...in their own fashion:) I never got completely debilitated by any of it and I continue to feel pretty darn good physically. I just really feel like I was blessed by the fast track I got on and all of the thoughts and prayers which surrounded me an held me up even in the low times. And really the bottom line is this.....its back to the survivor label again.
I just don't know how/if I want to embrace that publicly........for all my outgoingness, I don't like to thrust myself into situations where I am front and center. I will do so to speak for someone else or a cause but somehow this is different. I think part of it is that Cancer steals so much from you that is beyond your control and in some ways forces you to be front and center by just the way you look. You can get a wig.... but it will never be the same as your old hair was, at least not for me. You can rest and eat healthy and you will still get puffy because of the drugs.
All summer I refused to wear anything on my head when I would drive. Partly because it was hot and partly because I figured why bother...it was pretty obvious that I had some form of cancer by the hair loss and puffiness so why bother? But now.....ok, in a month or so, my hair will actually be at a length that some women pay lots of money to have their cut to regularly and part of me is craving getting back to that so I could just be someone with short hair....not an obvious cancer patient. And I get that I am supposed to be an inspiration for others who will(unfortunately) get cancer and do need to know that they can and will make it but......do I have to be front and center? Can't I just keep writing this blog, tie it together in a book and remain somewhat anonymous? After all the only way I wanted to be famous was to be President and I have rethought that a lot recently to realize that is not really what I want to do either....I would if I got elected but that would never happen for a variety of reasons which I won't go into now.
Anyway.....I know that God has plans, and obviously this is part of it....I just wish He'd clue me in on the next step so I can brace myself or relax.
Different subject-SNOW!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!
But, cause Fate loves to mess with me, I have a sore throat and can barely swallow so I don't get to play in it!!!! Of course....... double rats.
Hope you all enjoyed it:)
Blog ya later-
K
Monday, January 26, 2009
Day of Docs
So...today I had an appt with my oncologist whom I adore, had to have my blood sucked, not so much adoring of that though...and I mean that literally....it wasn't coming out of the veins easily either today....sigh.....just one more reason to hate C and chemo...wrecks your veins! But everything was fine and dandy..she is thinking my hair is going to start curling....we'll see, I think parts may, but not all of it...that would be too easy...too uniform. And then I walked back out into the reception area to check in with the other side!
And so on I went to have my three month check up with my surgical oncologist, whom I love. She is the one who left a nice amount of skin from the mastectomies so that things are progressing quite well in that area apparently(I owe that thought to the surprise that I had only had one filling and had bumps this size! and I thought they were small..go figure!) As I was waiting her nurse brought in my films and handed them to me. I asked her what I was supposed to do with them since I don't even have those boobs anymore?!!? And she said well then take it home and keep it in a closet. And I thought.....damn straight, pardon my language but these are some of the only existing film of my old boobs...I think I have a right to claim them. Its probably against some rule but ya know what, if the boobs do not exist, the films need not either.
So I looked. Yep...they were my smooshed boobs. I had two sets and the ultrasound pics too. The first set was from Nov. 2006, a baseline my general dr had suggested thankfully and it was amazing to see the difference between the two. I knew how big the lump felt and how big they thought it was, but to see it....actually SEE it, and the tendrils shooting out from it...scared the ....well, it just made me sick. That had only been 18 months between the two mammograms. And it was awful...the way it looked. It was a mass with a tendril reaching out literally as if it was trying to grow to other parts of me.......I can't sum up the feelings it evoked, I've just spent twenty minutes trying out different sets of words and none can completely encapsulate the whole range of emotions from it so I'm going to leave it at that.
Anyway.....for those of you keeping track...WE FINALLY HAVE SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doin' the happy dance:)
Blog ya later-
K
And so on I went to have my three month check up with my surgical oncologist, whom I love. She is the one who left a nice amount of skin from the mastectomies so that things are progressing quite well in that area apparently(I owe that thought to the surprise that I had only had one filling and had bumps this size! and I thought they were small..go figure!) As I was waiting her nurse brought in my films and handed them to me. I asked her what I was supposed to do with them since I don't even have those boobs anymore?!!? And she said well then take it home and keep it in a closet. And I thought.....damn straight, pardon my language but these are some of the only existing film of my old boobs...I think I have a right to claim them. Its probably against some rule but ya know what, if the boobs do not exist, the films need not either.
So I looked. Yep...they were my smooshed boobs. I had two sets and the ultrasound pics too. The first set was from Nov. 2006, a baseline my general dr had suggested thankfully and it was amazing to see the difference between the two. I knew how big the lump felt and how big they thought it was, but to see it....actually SEE it, and the tendrils shooting out from it...scared the ....well, it just made me sick. That had only been 18 months between the two mammograms. And it was awful...the way it looked. It was a mass with a tendril reaching out literally as if it was trying to grow to other parts of me.......I can't sum up the feelings it evoked, I've just spent twenty minutes trying out different sets of words and none can completely encapsulate the whole range of emotions from it so I'm going to leave it at that.
Anyway.....for those of you keeping track...WE FINALLY HAVE SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doin' the happy dance:)
Blog ya later-
K
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I'm a bad blogger....
Sorry I haven't said anything for a while. A lot has been going on. I got the drains out that last Friday after I complained. The Dr. could see I was ready to do battle and instead of doing that, said ok and liked how things were looking and set me up with a fill up start date of yesterday. Which happened and was fine. Fortunately the port that the expanders get filled through is in areas of my skin that are numb-woo-hoo..something good has come of the mastectomies! It is tight...and kind of .......burny/tingly in the muscles as they stretch with the skin(altho not so much on the skin still, had extra of that left). There's a tightness again which was wearing off so we'll see how this goes. A total nil on the pain scale really, my scar area from the port is what has been "stinging" me lately..maybe its stretching too! Who knows?
But the emotional part of me has been in a whirlwind. In some ways its this weird Alice and the looking glass thing going on. All summer and fall I was strong and happy and ok mostly..mad some..but I was good, everyone else was freaking out. Now when I should be all happy and ok I am finally coming out of the self induced fog I created to survive and I am freaking out. My emotions are all over the place all the time and it is slowly driving me insane. Now hopefully this is a good thing and means my hormones are coming back, which just makes me laugh...its good I'm going insane...huh....who'd thunk it? but that's how C is....never what you think or envision or experienced before or anyone else did.
And I've suddenly realized(I know..I can be slow sometimes)..because I see them when I look down, I have lost my boobs....not the best of boobs, but they were all mine....and what I'm "growing" is Barbie boobs....ones that look perky under sweaters without a bra and are just this smooth shape that never moves....which has its advantages, yes, but the bottom line is this....they will never be mine. Dang, this is harder than I thought......I think for a while I may stop thinking so hard, it's giving me migraines...also a good sign my hormones are coming back.....
It is totally barbaric...I wish for insanity and migraines so I can get back to what will never be normal but the closest I'll ever get....
Sooo other than all that, I'm good:P
Still hoping for snow.............
Blog ya later-
K
But the emotional part of me has been in a whirlwind. In some ways its this weird Alice and the looking glass thing going on. All summer and fall I was strong and happy and ok mostly..mad some..but I was good, everyone else was freaking out. Now when I should be all happy and ok I am finally coming out of the self induced fog I created to survive and I am freaking out. My emotions are all over the place all the time and it is slowly driving me insane. Now hopefully this is a good thing and means my hormones are coming back, which just makes me laugh...its good I'm going insane...huh....who'd thunk it? but that's how C is....never what you think or envision or experienced before or anyone else did.
And I've suddenly realized(I know..I can be slow sometimes)..because I see them when I look down, I have lost my boobs....not the best of boobs, but they were all mine....and what I'm "growing" is Barbie boobs....ones that look perky under sweaters without a bra and are just this smooth shape that never moves....which has its advantages, yes, but the bottom line is this....they will never be mine. Dang, this is harder than I thought......I think for a while I may stop thinking so hard, it's giving me migraines...also a good sign my hormones are coming back.....
It is totally barbaric...I wish for insanity and migraines so I can get back to what will never be normal but the closest I'll ever get....
Sooo other than all that, I'm good:P
Still hoping for snow.............
Blog ya later-
K
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I am a bad patient
Really, I am.
I hate it....hate being unable to do things. HATE being told what I need to do to get better and yet having that be the thing that is making it take so long......and yes I am talking about my drains. This is going to be a rant so if you're not in the mood you might want to just wait for the next post.
I hate drains. I have to get the output under 20ccs for a 24 hr period before they will take out the drains. It has been a steady 30 ccs for 4 days now. Now here's the part that raised my blood pressure...in the surgery center I was told it would have to be under 30 to get the drains out, but when I called the office on Monday they said it had to be under 20....and then when I called today with my totals and they still weren't under 20 they told me to wait....so I did a bad patient thing and threatened to take the drains out myself! I think I shocked the billing specialist(note...not a nurse) that was on the phone and she quickly transferred me to a nurse. Who then tried to tell me that it was for the best and that as I became more active I might actually get more output in the drains so they didn't want to take them out too soon. To which I was very good and held my tongue but didn't say...I have been up and moving around, showering by myself, waving my arms wildly(ok, not too wildly) but like I was told to and except for sleep have not languished in bed at all since I got home! However the really stubborn part of me is thinking of going back to bed and not getting up until the output is below 20....after all if movement is making me put out more, then non-movement should make them drain less, right?
Other than that I am fine....just frustrated.
Stay warm as Old Man Winter blows our way.
Blog ya later-
K
I hate it....hate being unable to do things. HATE being told what I need to do to get better and yet having that be the thing that is making it take so long......and yes I am talking about my drains. This is going to be a rant so if you're not in the mood you might want to just wait for the next post.
I hate drains. I have to get the output under 20ccs for a 24 hr period before they will take out the drains. It has been a steady 30 ccs for 4 days now. Now here's the part that raised my blood pressure...in the surgery center I was told it would have to be under 30 to get the drains out, but when I called the office on Monday they said it had to be under 20....and then when I called today with my totals and they still weren't under 20 they told me to wait....so I did a bad patient thing and threatened to take the drains out myself! I think I shocked the billing specialist(note...not a nurse) that was on the phone and she quickly transferred me to a nurse. Who then tried to tell me that it was for the best and that as I became more active I might actually get more output in the drains so they didn't want to take them out too soon. To which I was very good and held my tongue but didn't say...I have been up and moving around, showering by myself, waving my arms wildly(ok, not too wildly) but like I was told to and except for sleep have not languished in bed at all since I got home! However the really stubborn part of me is thinking of going back to bed and not getting up until the output is below 20....after all if movement is making me put out more, then non-movement should make them drain less, right?
Other than that I am fine....just frustrated.
Stay warm as Old Man Winter blows our way.
Blog ya later-
K
Monday, January 12, 2009
Kids
say the darndest things!
Not to me of course...I mean they do, but this week they have been very good about keeping not only their physical distance but also their "emotional" distance as well. Tonight as the girls lay in beds and read and chatted with Ed while I sat on the couch in my one comfortable position...they confided in him their worries. Specifically Belle told him that she was worried that her kids would get breast cancer! Now....yes we realize that she isn't even near anywhere ready to date, let alone get married, let alone(gulp) have kids...she had an incredible sense of logic about it all. My grandmother had it, it skipped my dad(although not really since he got prostate cancer early which has been linked to the gene but that's another blog), I got it and so it should skip her and her kids would get it. How's that logic for ya? When Ed related the conversation to me I could feel my heart breaking and the tears are welling up even now as I type, this is not something they should have to be aware of let alone understand that it can be passed on through their genes.....hate cancer...really do.
Fortunately, she also has the wisdom that only an innocent child can have too. At that point Ed tried to reassure her that she didn't need to worry about that since it was so far away(sooooo very far away we hope) but also that there would hopefully be a cure by then. To which she dismissively replied, Oh I know there will be a cure" with a nonchalant wave if her hand...gotta love that innocence and faith, don't you wish we could bottle it?
Anyway, pain wise...it's getting better. The left side still hurts more than the right but even that has diminished greatly. The only truly bothersome thing now is the vest o death....aka the compression vest, yes it still sux more than anything else, I live for the few moments I get to decompress every day.....and I will never ever time travel back to to any time other than the greco-roman period...flowing dresses are definitely the best way to go!
Stay warm this week as we get an arctic blast.
Blog ya later-
K
Not to me of course...I mean they do, but this week they have been very good about keeping not only their physical distance but also their "emotional" distance as well. Tonight as the girls lay in beds and read and chatted with Ed while I sat on the couch in my one comfortable position...they confided in him their worries. Specifically Belle told him that she was worried that her kids would get breast cancer! Now....yes we realize that she isn't even near anywhere ready to date, let alone get married, let alone(gulp) have kids...she had an incredible sense of logic about it all. My grandmother had it, it skipped my dad(although not really since he got prostate cancer early which has been linked to the gene but that's another blog), I got it and so it should skip her and her kids would get it. How's that logic for ya? When Ed related the conversation to me I could feel my heart breaking and the tears are welling up even now as I type, this is not something they should have to be aware of let alone understand that it can be passed on through their genes.....hate cancer...really do.
Fortunately, she also has the wisdom that only an innocent child can have too. At that point Ed tried to reassure her that she didn't need to worry about that since it was so far away(sooooo very far away we hope) but also that there would hopefully be a cure by then. To which she dismissively replied, Oh I know there will be a cure" with a nonchalant wave if her hand...gotta love that innocence and faith, don't you wish we could bottle it?
Anyway, pain wise...it's getting better. The left side still hurts more than the right but even that has diminished greatly. The only truly bothersome thing now is the vest o death....aka the compression vest, yes it still sux more than anything else, I live for the few moments I get to decompress every day.....and I will never ever time travel back to to any time other than the greco-roman period...flowing dresses are definitely the best way to go!
Stay warm this week as we get an arctic blast.
Blog ya later-
K
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Day two
ok, well.......not liking this one bit. Aside from the fact that my muscles get tight if I don't move for oh...two or three seconds, everthings a-ok....and yes that was me being VERY sarcastic. It's really not so much the pain, altho it does hurt like a ....@#$#$%#$%^$#%^, but it is the tightness that is really getting to me. When it hurts to breathe, let alone cough, sneeze or blow your nose...well that makes winter darn near impossible to cope with! That and the other fact that since my IV was in my left arm overnight and half the day Friday I didn't use it nearly as much as my right and so it had much more time to tighten and is being much more stubborn about untightening!
That's really all I can say for the moment since I am starting to spasm again and the valium will render me unable to keep my eyes open!
Hope you all are well...love you lots.
Blog ya later-
K
That's really all I can say for the moment since I am starting to spasm again and the valium will render me unable to keep my eyes open!
Hope you all are well...love you lots.
Blog ya later-
K
Friday, January 9, 2009
Day after
k.....I'm home.
Definitely on meds, percoset and valium.
Pain.....the first two hours were not fun, I actually cried.....that's the first time I have after any of the surgeries! Took me a bit by surprise but I guess that's what happens when they pull muscles off your ribcage, stuff a foreign object under them and then reattach them to your ribcage.....yeah...ouch. Actually it was just a half dollar size area of pain on my left side at the breast bone that really hurt and that did subside after about two hours, or maybe the meds just kicked in enough for me not to notice. Now it is just very, very, very sore...like I pulled the muscles....which I guess I kind of did in a way, but I have never pulled those particular ones so it is a very new experience.
As for the mummy wrapping, that won't be happening! My doctors gave me very strict directions to use my arms, in fact she waved hers wildly above her head in demonstration of what I should do...I'm not there yet but I have been doing a version of Tai Chi or Falun Gong in which I slowly ...VERY slowly move my arms around in the air....its been ok, and I stop after it hurts so I am not pushing myself. Just trying to keep the muscles from spasming because frankly it hurts less when they aren't!
Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that I made it through and am home. Thank you for all your prayers, support and thoughts, they have once again cradled me in love through the procedure yesterday:)
Blog ya later-
K
PS...oh yeah....I have boobies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tiny little bumps, BUT I am not concave anymore-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Definitely on meds, percoset and valium.
Pain.....the first two hours were not fun, I actually cried.....that's the first time I have after any of the surgeries! Took me a bit by surprise but I guess that's what happens when they pull muscles off your ribcage, stuff a foreign object under them and then reattach them to your ribcage.....yeah...ouch. Actually it was just a half dollar size area of pain on my left side at the breast bone that really hurt and that did subside after about two hours, or maybe the meds just kicked in enough for me not to notice. Now it is just very, very, very sore...like I pulled the muscles....which I guess I kind of did in a way, but I have never pulled those particular ones so it is a very new experience.
As for the mummy wrapping, that won't be happening! My doctors gave me very strict directions to use my arms, in fact she waved hers wildly above her head in demonstration of what I should do...I'm not there yet but I have been doing a version of Tai Chi or Falun Gong in which I slowly ...VERY slowly move my arms around in the air....its been ok, and I stop after it hurts so I am not pushing myself. Just trying to keep the muscles from spasming because frankly it hurts less when they aren't!
Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that I made it through and am home. Thank you for all your prayers, support and thoughts, they have once again cradled me in love through the procedure yesterday:)
Blog ya later-
K
PS...oh yeah....I have boobies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tiny little bumps, BUT I am not concave anymore-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Surgery Eve
Ok.....soooo......it's the night before surgery and all through the house, K is pacing and...well..... I am not even able to think coherently enough to make that rhyme!!!!!
To say I'm a bit rattled is the understatement of the year and yet, I really can't explain why!
I am not nervous per se....I have complete faith in my doctor and the rest of the medical team that everything will go smoothly tomorrow. I am not really all that worried about the pain because I know it will happen and I will take pills and then it will eventually go away, so ....eh. I am worried about the next few weeks and momentarily forgetting not to use my arms and hurting myself, but even that is really a minor worry, and if it gets that bad I will FORCE Ed to mummy wrap my arms so I can't do anything anyway and I'm totally serious about that. But most importantly, I have faith that God will be there for me no matter the outcome.
So why am I so rattled? I have wracked my brain and the only thing I can come up with is that I have had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time to think about this one....and....it is elective.
Granted, over the past three months I have come to realize that I really liked my boobs. I miss them. I even miss what they represent, ugh, I hate myself for feeling that way, but its true. Cancer totally sucked in so many ways but I think the most surprising to me was how much it robbed me of my sexuality. The chemo killed my hormones and hair and the cancer took my breasts. Even though the reason they exist on females is purely as a means of feeding offspring(which mine did wonderfully) that is not what they have come to symbolize in our society. And the worst part is that I considered myself so enlightened that I was above that. Not so. And so I am struggling with myself and my desire to have my boobs back even though they have fulfilled their biological usefulness since there will be no more mini-mes and therefore the fact that actually means I want them back because of how they make me look.
UGH......I HATE that I feel this way. Every feminista(is that a word?) fiber in my body is rebelling against these feelings and yet I am most definitely going under the knife tomorrow and nothing short of a blizzard will stop that(and yes, I did knock on wood after typing that since we all know how unpredictable St. Louis weather is!!!). So now I will wrestle with my inner turmoil...possibly for the rest of my life.
Really, really, really hate cancer.
Ok, enough....I am going to go have some chocolate now.
And really.....I will be fine, but thanks for listening(reading) and letting me express all my anxieties here, it really is excellent therapy:)
Blog y later-
K
To say I'm a bit rattled is the understatement of the year and yet, I really can't explain why!
I am not nervous per se....I have complete faith in my doctor and the rest of the medical team that everything will go smoothly tomorrow. I am not really all that worried about the pain because I know it will happen and I will take pills and then it will eventually go away, so ....eh. I am worried about the next few weeks and momentarily forgetting not to use my arms and hurting myself, but even that is really a minor worry, and if it gets that bad I will FORCE Ed to mummy wrap my arms so I can't do anything anyway and I'm totally serious about that. But most importantly, I have faith that God will be there for me no matter the outcome.
So why am I so rattled? I have wracked my brain and the only thing I can come up with is that I have had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time to think about this one....and....it is elective.
Granted, over the past three months I have come to realize that I really liked my boobs. I miss them. I even miss what they represent, ugh, I hate myself for feeling that way, but its true. Cancer totally sucked in so many ways but I think the most surprising to me was how much it robbed me of my sexuality. The chemo killed my hormones and hair and the cancer took my breasts. Even though the reason they exist on females is purely as a means of feeding offspring(which mine did wonderfully) that is not what they have come to symbolize in our society. And the worst part is that I considered myself so enlightened that I was above that. Not so. And so I am struggling with myself and my desire to have my boobs back even though they have fulfilled their biological usefulness since there will be no more mini-mes and therefore the fact that actually means I want them back because of how they make me look.
UGH......I HATE that I feel this way. Every feminista(is that a word?) fiber in my body is rebelling against these feelings and yet I am most definitely going under the knife tomorrow and nothing short of a blizzard will stop that(and yes, I did knock on wood after typing that since we all know how unpredictable St. Louis weather is!!!). So now I will wrestle with my inner turmoil...possibly for the rest of my life.
Really, really, really hate cancer.
Ok, enough....I am going to go have some chocolate now.
And really.....I will be fine, but thanks for listening(reading) and letting me express all my anxieties here, it really is excellent therapy:)
Blog y later-
K
Monday, January 5, 2009
Ouchie
Ok.....once again it hurts more than I first said now that the meds they gave me have worn off. Granted it is not too bad and tylenol takes care of it...for a few hours anyway, I should buy stock in Johnson& Johnson! But as Ed said, "I'm pretty sure you would feel a bit of pain if you had just been stabbed or cut with a knife too!" Duh K.....ok, not his exact words but the jist is the same and...he is right, I should shut up until Friday when I will really be groaning.....or not, depending on the meds they give me:D
Anyhoo....thought I would share these pics from the day after with you all...the wonderful nurse in the post-op area gave me two of everything for the girls to play with.....watch out in the ERs in about 20 years!
Blog ya later-
K
Friday, January 2, 2009
Gone, gone baby, its all gone...
are the lyrics stuck in my head from a song I can't remember anything else about!!! But, the port is gone-YAY!
I went in this morning to Mo-Bapt and after the usual waiting and then confirming information and waiting some more they finally took me in for my under 10 minute(I think it was really more like under 5!!!!) surgery and now I am free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that in the big scheme of things this was one of the most minor bumps in the road...but it was truly one of the most irritating for me. Aside from just being a bump that stuck out of my body at a bothersome place it had that tube that ran up into my neck and I could always see and feel that and now it is gone and I can't help but touching my neck all the time now and smiling:D
I won't lie though, the area where the port was is sore.....and getting sorer as the numbing meds wear off but heck that is a very small price to pay to get rid of it....and I have a variety of pain meds to choose from so it is something I an easily manage too.
So now we just look to next week and the beginning of the new parts of me:)
Hope you all had a nice and safe New Years.
Blog ya later-
K
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