Sounds cooler when you say that in a small child's voice ala poltergeist:P
Anyway...I realized I had forgotten to mention a few things.
First, thanks to everyone who supported Passionately Pink last week. You guys are amazing.
Second, I am losing my eyebrows!!!!!!!! In fact I counted them last night and I have 27 left...TOTAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 12 on one side and 15 on the other! I'll let you guess as to which side has what:P I am also losing my eyelashes, but not at the same rate, there are just some interesting spaces...big gaps, in the fringe. Fortunately both the eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back, which is what is most important.
Thirdly, that brings me to my hair...it's back!!!! Ok, ok, it is just a bunch of fuzz at the moment BUT there is more fuzz coming in everyday:) We will see how this progresses. What I do know in the meantime, it is COLD out!!!!!!! I went out and bought two new little caps because it is very chilly on my bare head these days.
Anyway, enjoy the chilly day:)
Blog y later-
K
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Survivor
It's a strange word.
Think for a moment what it can imply.
I mean...I survived this past week. It was crazy hectic, but I am here and not at all worn out...granted Ed and I pretty much lounged this weekend as the girls were both gone, but that was quite nice. I think we both still need time to recover from everything that has been happening to us since May.
In many ways I still can't believe the summer really happened. Of course when I look down it is pretty hard to ignore but I think in some way how I have coped is by being in a bit of denial about the whole thing. I don't know...my mind is constantly trying to make some sense of this. What is my purpose now? Granted it has made me realize once again how lucky I am to stay home and how much I want to continue to do that and be a part of the girls lives as much as I can before it isn't cool anymore. But I feel like there is more.
I have thought about finding a way to share my experience or maybe educate. I don't know. I kind of had an inspiration last night....what if we don't just educate the young women....but what about the men too? I mean if they are in a relationship they should help...they may be more of an expert on a woman's "girls" than she is!!!!
Anyway...just a thought:)
Hope you all are bundled up and how many of you are doing a happy dance as I am that we are getting a freeze tonight?!?! Yay-my allergies will be dormant for a few months:)
Blog ya later-
K
Think for a moment what it can imply.
I mean...I survived this past week. It was crazy hectic, but I am here and not at all worn out...granted Ed and I pretty much lounged this weekend as the girls were both gone, but that was quite nice. I think we both still need time to recover from everything that has been happening to us since May.
In many ways I still can't believe the summer really happened. Of course when I look down it is pretty hard to ignore but I think in some way how I have coped is by being in a bit of denial about the whole thing. I don't know...my mind is constantly trying to make some sense of this. What is my purpose now? Granted it has made me realize once again how lucky I am to stay home and how much I want to continue to do that and be a part of the girls lives as much as I can before it isn't cool anymore. But I feel like there is more.
I have thought about finding a way to share my experience or maybe educate. I don't know. I kind of had an inspiration last night....what if we don't just educate the young women....but what about the men too? I mean if they are in a relationship they should help...they may be more of an expert on a woman's "girls" than she is!!!!
Anyway...just a thought:)
Hope you all are bundled up and how many of you are doing a happy dance as I am that we are getting a freeze tonight?!?! Yay-my allergies will be dormant for a few months:)
Blog ya later-
K
Monday, October 20, 2008
Interesting
Its strange the things you don't think about until after the fact.....and this doesn't just apply to breast cancer, altho those are the examples I have at the moment:)
Its been two and a half weeks since I became boob-less....and I am getting used to it. I took off the steri strips on Sat. and I must say, the surgeon did excellent work. Granted it is not perfect yet, there was still some purple(!) marker along the edges of the scar, I'm assuming that was to show the line to cut and not some silly drawing they were doing:P and a bit of scabbing still, but other than that, it is perfect. A nice straight line that doesn't go too far into the middle so I could still wear some shirts with a v cut...of course I am guessing since I won't know for sure until I get the new boobies. So all looks well and I am well on my way to the next phase.
As for what I didn't expect.....the hardness in the area that is left. Yesterday B hugged me and she looked up and kind of frowned slightly and said, "Mom, I am gonna hug your tummy for a while, it's softer!" Which made me cringe on sooo very many levels! And then Lexi, who is actually at my boob height hugged me later and said, "Gee mom I really miss your boobs, they were so soft and cushiony!!!"
Now how does one deal with, let alone anticipate that?!?!?!? We talked about how my new boobs won't be all that cushiony either, but they won't be as hard as the area is now, but the girls looked highly skeptical at that prospect and I suspect they are going to wait and reserve judgement on that!
All of that led to one other thought....babies. Now, no worries, not thinking of having more, just about them. I am a baby magnet. Babies looooove me. I have always attributed this to two things-my hair(it was so bright and shiny, which we know babies love) and my boobs(which were so soft and cushy that who wouldn't want to lay their tiny head down against one and rest?) So now what will happen? Granted, at this point in time I will have to wait for my older brothers to get going on that but I do expect some more babies in the family eventually and I wonder...will they love me the same way as before or will the new boobies not lend themselves to the same cushyness?
Anyway, that was my thinking over the weekend. Now onto the week from ..beyond. Today we already had the orthodontic visit for both girls, piano after school, conferences tonight and tomorrow, volleyball tomorrow, midweek with kid's choir Wed., Fall Festival night at the school and Passionately Pink on Thurs., more PP on Fri. and HSM3 opens(OMG can u believe it?!?!?! and you have to say that in your head with a valley girl-esque accent and the energy of a 7 or 9 year old!) plus Lexi goes to Girl Scout camp for the weekend(1st time) and Belle is headed to the lake with N&P and ..oh yes...I turn 36!!!!!
Fortunately I will have all weekend to recover....unless I get motivated and paint Lexi's room....we'll see:)
Hope you all got out and enjoyed the amazing weather over the weekend:)
Blog ya later-
K
Its been two and a half weeks since I became boob-less....and I am getting used to it. I took off the steri strips on Sat. and I must say, the surgeon did excellent work. Granted it is not perfect yet, there was still some purple(!) marker along the edges of the scar, I'm assuming that was to show the line to cut and not some silly drawing they were doing:P and a bit of scabbing still, but other than that, it is perfect. A nice straight line that doesn't go too far into the middle so I could still wear some shirts with a v cut...of course I am guessing since I won't know for sure until I get the new boobies. So all looks well and I am well on my way to the next phase.
As for what I didn't expect.....the hardness in the area that is left. Yesterday B hugged me and she looked up and kind of frowned slightly and said, "Mom, I am gonna hug your tummy for a while, it's softer!" Which made me cringe on sooo very many levels! And then Lexi, who is actually at my boob height hugged me later and said, "Gee mom I really miss your boobs, they were so soft and cushiony!!!"
Now how does one deal with, let alone anticipate that?!?!?!? We talked about how my new boobs won't be all that cushiony either, but they won't be as hard as the area is now, but the girls looked highly skeptical at that prospect and I suspect they are going to wait and reserve judgement on that!
All of that led to one other thought....babies. Now, no worries, not thinking of having more, just about them. I am a baby magnet. Babies looooove me. I have always attributed this to two things-my hair(it was so bright and shiny, which we know babies love) and my boobs(which were so soft and cushy that who wouldn't want to lay their tiny head down against one and rest?) So now what will happen? Granted, at this point in time I will have to wait for my older brothers to get going on that but I do expect some more babies in the family eventually and I wonder...will they love me the same way as before or will the new boobies not lend themselves to the same cushyness?
Anyway, that was my thinking over the weekend. Now onto the week from ..beyond. Today we already had the orthodontic visit for both girls, piano after school, conferences tonight and tomorrow, volleyball tomorrow, midweek with kid's choir Wed., Fall Festival night at the school and Passionately Pink on Thurs., more PP on Fri. and HSM3 opens(OMG can u believe it?!?!?! and you have to say that in your head with a valley girl-esque accent and the energy of a 7 or 9 year old!) plus Lexi goes to Girl Scout camp for the weekend(1st time) and Belle is headed to the lake with N&P and ..oh yes...I turn 36!!!!!
Fortunately I will have all weekend to recover....unless I get motivated and paint Lexi's room....we'll see:)
Hope you all got out and enjoyed the amazing weather over the weekend:)
Blog ya later-
K
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Weird
I keep thinking that I am missing something when I go out these days. It will suddenly hit me....a bra! I could never really do that..even as a girl. If I did go without a bra it was only b/c I had on a big sweater or sweatshirt and it was out to the bus stop and back! So I will have a second of panic and then I remember that they are no longer there.
I look down and see the space where they were and realize.....sheesh my tummy has gotten bigger than I realized and man I have some work to do and.....wondering if the new ones will ever really fit.
I mean.....yes I had a love/hate relationship with them...as I suspect many women do. We wish we could change their shape/size/color/saggyness....and yet..they are not something than any women would just up and "Please take mine!"
I keep mulling over the issue of whether it was better to have months to adjust to the idea or if they had just taken them in June would it have been easier. I really think it would suck equally either way, which in itself sux......not a huge surprise considering the topic...you'd think I'd stop trying to make any sense out of any of this by now....surprising how much our minds wish to grasp the logic of things even when it is unattainable.
Anyway, I went in and saw the surgical oncologist today and she said the scars looked just great and everything looked good. She wants to see me in three months to make sure it has all healed well I suppose. Now its just the waiting game.
Well and the trying on game...but not yet..still a bit tender for that:)
Blog ya later-
K
I look down and see the space where they were and realize.....sheesh my tummy has gotten bigger than I realized and man I have some work to do and.....wondering if the new ones will ever really fit.
I mean.....yes I had a love/hate relationship with them...as I suspect many women do. We wish we could change their shape/size/color/saggyness....and yet..they are not something than any women would just up and "Please take mine!"
I keep mulling over the issue of whether it was better to have months to adjust to the idea or if they had just taken them in June would it have been easier. I really think it would suck equally either way, which in itself sux......not a huge surprise considering the topic...you'd think I'd stop trying to make any sense out of any of this by now....surprising how much our minds wish to grasp the logic of things even when it is unattainable.
Anyway, I went in and saw the surgical oncologist today and she said the scars looked just great and everything looked good. She wants to see me in three months to make sure it has all healed well I suppose. Now its just the waiting game.
Well and the trying on game...but not yet..still a bit tender for that:)
Blog ya later-
K
Friday, October 10, 2008
Celebrate
SO I had my visit with the nurse in the surgical dept. yesterday to get my drains out-YAY!
And then later with my oncologist about the pathology...and hip hip hooray-it was good.
The first lump had shrunk to under a cm and there was no second lump!!!! That means for sure no radiation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And for the first time in five months....the cloud that has been hovering over my life...has really dissipated!!! Granted..I will be ever vigilant... but the worry will lessen as the years go on. So now I am happy the drains are out and the vest is gone.....altho.....and I am sooooo loathe to admit this...........now that it's gone, I kind of miss it....a teeny tiny bit... just the pressure, but I still think it just fit me wrong and because of where it was cutting into me, it was also driving me nuts and I am better off without it anyway!
Of course now I have the very strange sensation of missing a whole section of me, between the collarbones and the end of my ribcage.
That is literally the closest way I can come to describing what it feels like. But that doesn't quite cover the whole feeling...because its not like phantom limbs.....it doesn't feel like a gaping hole...just a missing, empty feeling because it is still..and may always be numb.
Ok, so I don't even know if that rambling made sense...its very hard to describe, although I know some of you out there will understand only because you too have experienced it and how I wish none of us had. But anyway..on to the next phase.
I mean...now I am on to the perky new boobs...I can imagine they're on the horizon....or at least filling out my chest eventually and my hair is thinking about growing back. Of course those who knew me as a baby will remember I had no hair until I was 1 1/2 so it could be a while too...
Which means....for right now, I have never looked more like my brother--LOL...I have the broad Miller shoulders...(thanks Millers) absolutely no boobage(thanks cancer) and no hair(thanks cancer again!) Now granted it only works from the chest up....Below that I still have the long Miller and Shepherd legs...actually truly thanks for that ancestors, I need something to still feel a little like a girl these days:)
Thanks again for all the prayers and good thoughts sent my way during the surgery especially and over the whole summer as well. I will continue to keep you posted. The next step will be figuring out the size-LOL..aka.shopping for boobs.
Blog ya later-
K
And then later with my oncologist about the pathology...and hip hip hooray-it was good.
The first lump had shrunk to under a cm and there was no second lump!!!! That means for sure no radiation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And for the first time in five months....the cloud that has been hovering over my life...has really dissipated!!! Granted..I will be ever vigilant... but the worry will lessen as the years go on. So now I am happy the drains are out and the vest is gone.....altho.....and I am sooooo loathe to admit this...........now that it's gone, I kind of miss it....a teeny tiny bit... just the pressure, but I still think it just fit me wrong and because of where it was cutting into me, it was also driving me nuts and I am better off without it anyway!
Of course now I have the very strange sensation of missing a whole section of me, between the collarbones and the end of my ribcage.
That is literally the closest way I can come to describing what it feels like. But that doesn't quite cover the whole feeling...because its not like phantom limbs.....it doesn't feel like a gaping hole...just a missing, empty feeling because it is still..and may always be numb.
Ok, so I don't even know if that rambling made sense...its very hard to describe, although I know some of you out there will understand only because you too have experienced it and how I wish none of us had. But anyway..on to the next phase.
I mean...now I am on to the perky new boobs...I can imagine they're on the horizon....or at least filling out my chest eventually and my hair is thinking about growing back. Of course those who knew me as a baby will remember I had no hair until I was 1 1/2 so it could be a while too...
Which means....for right now, I have never looked more like my brother--LOL...I have the broad Miller shoulders...(thanks Millers) absolutely no boobage(thanks cancer) and no hair(thanks cancer again!) Now granted it only works from the chest up....Below that I still have the long Miller and Shepherd legs...actually truly thanks for that ancestors, I need something to still feel a little like a girl these days:)
Thanks again for all the prayers and good thoughts sent my way during the surgery especially and over the whole summer as well. I will continue to keep you posted. The next step will be figuring out the size-LOL..aka.shopping for boobs.
Blog ya later-
K
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
hmmmmm
I'm really not sure what to title this one.
not sure where I'm at these days.
I do know a few things....
1-my margins were all clean so as of Oct. 1st I was cancer-free. Woohoo.
2-in achieving that goal I lost two things I didn't think I would miss quite as much
3-corsets must have really, really sucked
4-I'm still a bit nervous about what comes next
I have looked at myself in those precious few minutes a day I am allowed freedom from the death vest...aka a compression vest, which yes, I know, is a good thing and performs a much needed and appreciated mission, but totally, totally is a big pain in the patootie...and...I am not that shocked per se. I mean yes...it is flat..a bit concave in parts which just goes to show they were waaaay too ginormous and a good thing to be rid of. Yes, there is a scar going all the way from the side of my armpit to almost the center or my chest on each side...gonna make swim suit shopping just that much more fun!Ha!
BUT...the space in between where they were and where they will be..is exactly the same as a week ago. And even though it really is quite different.....its still me....just a less of me, that's all.
Anyway-hope you all are well-
Blog ya later-
K
not sure where I'm at these days.
I do know a few things....
1-my margins were all clean so as of Oct. 1st I was cancer-free. Woohoo.
2-in achieving that goal I lost two things I didn't think I would miss quite as much
3-corsets must have really, really sucked
4-I'm still a bit nervous about what comes next
I have looked at myself in those precious few minutes a day I am allowed freedom from the death vest...aka a compression vest, which yes, I know, is a good thing and performs a much needed and appreciated mission, but totally, totally is a big pain in the patootie...and...I am not that shocked per se. I mean yes...it is flat..a bit concave in parts which just goes to show they were waaaay too ginormous and a good thing to be rid of. Yes, there is a scar going all the way from the side of my armpit to almost the center or my chest on each side...gonna make swim suit shopping just that much more fun!Ha!
BUT...the space in between where they were and where they will be..is exactly the same as a week ago. And even though it really is quite different.....its still me....just a less of me, that's all.
Anyway-hope you all are well-
Blog ya later-
K
Friday, October 3, 2008
Day 2
ok...it is day two after surgery and the heavy duty drugs they gave me during it have definitely worn off! However, I have found if I stay in one position then it doesn't hurt nearly as bad. All things told it is a different kind of pain too. Kind of a prickly, shooting pain as the nerve endings are waking back up and then general soreness every where else in my chest area!
The girls did ok with seeing me come home. Lexi is actually quite amused by the fact that it still looks like I have teeny tiny boobs from all the stuffing under the compression vest! But also by the fact that she is starting(or so she thinks) to get some teeny tiny itsy bitsy boobs and that hers may be bigger than mine for a few months......scary...and really not true, but if it makes her happy I will go along with it for now...but I'm not buying her a bra yet! Too early for that.
But both of them watched Ed empty my drains last night...with a sorta of sick fascination, you know, had to see it but were grossed out a bit too! And Ed has been wonderful. Taking care of my drains, pain meds, food, and the girls. He truly is an amazing man.
Ok...I think I am gonna lay back and watch Ellen for a bit before I nap again.
Blog ya later-
K
The girls did ok with seeing me come home. Lexi is actually quite amused by the fact that it still looks like I have teeny tiny boobs from all the stuffing under the compression vest! But also by the fact that she is starting(or so she thinks) to get some teeny tiny itsy bitsy boobs and that hers may be bigger than mine for a few months......scary...and really not true, but if it makes her happy I will go along with it for now...but I'm not buying her a bra yet! Too early for that.
But both of them watched Ed empty my drains last night...with a sorta of sick fascination, you know, had to see it but were grossed out a bit too! And Ed has been wonderful. Taking care of my drains, pain meds, food, and the girls. He truly is an amazing man.
Ok...I think I am gonna lay back and watch Ellen for a bit before I nap again.
Blog ya later-
K
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Boob-less!!!
Hi all-
Just a quick note to let you know surgery went well and now I am officially boob-less! The Dr. said everything looked good and we will get the pathology back early next week at the latest but she was very happy with what she saw...or didn't see:)
I am back at home after a loooooooooooooooong night of just dozing because the compression sleeves for my leg(to keep good circulation going during surgery) went off every 13 seconds.......yes...I counted ...again and again and again! But the pain is fairly non-exsitent for me, which is good too. And I saw my chest when the Dr came to check the sutures and I have to say....was not as bad as I expected....just kind of looked like I hadn't hit puberty yet! The scars are pretty clean too, just one line across each boob area and that was it. It was a bit swollen so I don't know how much skin got "left" if any, but I am not gonna worry about the stretching part until it happens:)
Anyway, I am glad it is over and once the pain meds wear off I am sure I will be more expressive...that and once I really get a good look at the scars too, but thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, they really did form a protective web around me yesterday and obviously worked:)
Love you all.
Blog ya later
K
PS...I did take a before shot for posterity...and to be able to show the girls, should they ever get giganto boobs, that it really does run in the family:P
Just a quick note to let you know surgery went well and now I am officially boob-less! The Dr. said everything looked good and we will get the pathology back early next week at the latest but she was very happy with what she saw...or didn't see:)
I am back at home after a loooooooooooooooong night of just dozing because the compression sleeves for my leg(to keep good circulation going during surgery) went off every 13 seconds.......yes...I counted ...again and again and again! But the pain is fairly non-exsitent for me, which is good too. And I saw my chest when the Dr came to check the sutures and I have to say....was not as bad as I expected....just kind of looked like I hadn't hit puberty yet! The scars are pretty clean too, just one line across each boob area and that was it. It was a bit swollen so I don't know how much skin got "left" if any, but I am not gonna worry about the stretching part until it happens:)
Anyway, I am glad it is over and once the pain meds wear off I am sure I will be more expressive...that and once I really get a good look at the scars too, but thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, they really did form a protective web around me yesterday and obviously worked:)
Love you all.
Blog ya later
K
PS...I did take a before shot for posterity...and to be able to show the girls, should they ever get giganto boobs, that it really does run in the family:P
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