And then some small thing comes along and sends us down that spirally path of insanity and what-ifs and before we know we find ourselves gasping for breath and hoping to claw our way back from the brink or perhaps we sometimes have someone who is there for us and helps to catch us before we even fall...sometimes anyway. A TVnews story, an article you read, someone else's experiences or your own baffling medical conditions...it doesn't matter what sends you that way....before you know, you're just gone.
You see...I was fine...I felt fine...I looked fine...I was FINE....and then I was being eaten alive by my own mutinous cells. I won...I beat the tricksters...but not without cost. The most obvious ones being my breasts. Oh yes, the foobs....it is still a love/hate relationship for, they will ALWAYS remind me of what is lurking below. Sure...I miss the real ones...I miss them being able to feel more than anything...and not being ...there...I can't just smash the kids with a hug...they complain and say they are being poked...and I can't feel it.....that I miss....feeling that is.....the rest I'm totally ok with *smiles* The less obvious being the ever lurking knowledge that they've done it before and they could do it again, my cells that is....and mutinied that is....do I think that they are now..NOOOOOOO, NO......No...but .....I don't control the future either...boy if I did though......
Anyway....it has now been four years since I found the lump. I have actually felt great especially this past year. My hair is SUPER long again-YAY :D I am back down to a very good weight for my body and knees and I have been doing things...like...with my body...like a 5 mile mud run!!!! And...except for some soreness..which is to expected when you have to throw yourself over things, through mud, and under things...it's amazing I came away mostly unscathed......but I felt great.....and...had what is one of my most fave pics of me taken in a long time......it is after the race when I am waiting to rinse off all the mud. I was muddy and tired but I had done it!!! And I hadn't hurt myself overly, yes there were bruises to come and a few scrapes as well, but nothing major so I was happy. It reminds me ...of the old me......I like it.
However.....my knee started hurting(it had been off and on since Feb) and I finally went and got it checked and surprised my doctor(cause that is what I do best! ) by not having the normal problem with knees apparently, a torn meniscus, but instead having bruised the back of my kneecap!?!?!?! I was thrilled it meant no surgery and we discussed how I should rest it for 3-4 weeks and then if it wasn't better we would go from there and worst case scenario really was ...it was my past injuries finally catching up to me....and we go from there....no biggie I can totally live with that...those....
And then I get home, try not to think about it much...and watch some stuff...and read some stuff....and a few days go by...and then...I get thinky again.....and suddenly head down a spirally circle of insanity......I mean...who bruises the back of their kneecaps.....and more importantly ...what person who has had cancer doesn't ask their doctor if they are sure that is what it is and not mets........apparently one who is strong in the force....or lounging at her house on DeNial.....whatever...anyway...so now I spiral.....
When suddenly I read some more....nothing that helps about the mets thing...since I realize...if it is mets, well then it is...and we deal with it and move on as we can.....if it's not, then I'm spiraling for nothing....I know...so rational for me...weird huh? But what I read actually makes me angry and makes me want to scream...at the self righteous patients...I know..how awful of me...you got cancer...you got treatments and now you're having side effects and you're mad....ummmmmmmmmmmmmm.....nope...I don't feel bad...I don't feel you were "misinformed" I don't think that you would have gone back and choose something else....I think.,......that we all want to live....and I think that when faced with what may very well be certain death and for some of us much faster than others...I think we tend to choose life even if there are consequences because....we want to live!!!!!!!!
Ok...I'm not completely sure what this rambling rant was all about except to say that four years on....things are good and yet totally FUBAR in their own way sometimes too, that is the new normal...and it will never end....it may go in cycles of less spirally or less worry but....it never ends, that is the only thing I don't think anyone can comprehend from the other side....even being told or not.
I hope yall are doing well :)
K
