One Year

One year ago today...well tonight precisely, is when this journey for me began. I took a shower and while shaving under my arm found something that wasn't quite right. Ok..it wasn't something, in fact I knew instantly what it was. And while I spent the next 6 days telling a few people, seeing several Dr.s, having mulitple tests run and hearing, "Don't worry, its probably nothing...you're too young for this...just think postive..." I knew...right from the second I touched it that it was the big C. And I am going to tell you all something ....that it took all of my determination and self control not to punch every one of you who said that in the face! Now don't get me wrong, I love you all, and I loved that you were thinking positive for me, but....I really wanted to punch you all too:P

You see....I am not a pessimist by nature, in fact I am an over-optimist some would say and so it killed me to know, KNOW, deep down in my heart that this is what it was from the get go. I had in fact been preparing myself, or God had been preparing me, for several weeks, months, years for this I think and because of that I think I handled it pretty well. Of course, because my life is always defined by a subliminal soundtrack running through my brain all I heard was REM....
"It's the end of the world as we know it, it is the end of the world as we know, it's the end of the world as we know...and I feel FINE" and it was true. The sun was shining, my girls were good, Ed was good, I had survived my beloved cat dying, had aced my law course, was on track for a super summer at the pool with my long hair and finally a body I was happy with and everything was fine. And then this....and I was looped and all I could think of was getting through to the other side.

Now I'm on the other side(apparently-I'm not quite so sure about that but whatever) and it's a new quandry....

You see the soundtrack that has been running through my brain of late is an oldie but a goodie-
"Reflections of the way life used to be....", now granted it is about lost love but as with just about any lyrics/words you can twist them to infer hidden meanings and I think that works quite well with these lyrics. I feel lost...lost in the reflections of what life used to be...of what life would have/could have been..of what it will be and I don't know what to do.

I want desperately to move forward, to be ok, to have nothing stand in my way....but that doesn't seem to be the plan and I am very very tired of that being the case. I want my life back...I want to be able to do whatever the heck I want and not have to worry that it will somehow adversely affect me/my body/my outcome.....I want.....I want ........ I want a time machine.

Soooo, on a completely different topic, well not really but, I spent the weekend in the hospital due to breathing issues. They think it was pneumonia or bronchitis or something like that but due to the fact that I couldn't breathe and could barely walk and my already compromised immune system they admitted me Thurs and finally released me Sunday evening. I am doing much better now, just trying to catch up on sleep and feel better so that I can head to Chi-town next weekend with my mom and the girls to see the Harry Potter exhibit and celebrate B's 8th bday! But...the new hospital, St. Clare, was very nice and I would recommend it to anyone who feels the need to go in.....I am hoping none of you have to, but it was super nice to have it be two mins from our front door to theirs!(Ed clocked it so we'd know:) )

Anyway...that is where I am at..limbo land, maybe the lazy days of summer will alow for some clarity of mind for me and maybe even a plan, but for this moment in time I am just happy to be home and surrounded as always by my wonderful and loving family and friends.

Thank you to all of you for everything you have done for me this past year and for all of the continued support you give to us.

Blog ya later-
K