I started reading again.....and no, not anything good but articles everywhere about cancer. My type of cancer, triple negative, to be precise.
It all started because of a quarterly magazine I get which has been really informative about various treatments and groups and kinds of cancer except this issue. There was a 6 page write up on all of the recent findings on the various types of breast cancer with wonderful information in the strides the medical community is making in being able to effectively treat women and prevent any form of metatasizing and death. With one..ONE exception-triple negative. In fact the only thing even said about it was a disclaimer that they are basically still at a loss as to how to effectively treat it!!!! Great...wonderful....stupid cancer-ugh..hate you...really I do.
I stopped reading about cancers this summe because I was already so overwhelmed with just the fact that I had it let alone the fact that I had the kind that the medical community calls the "killer cancer". And so just recently I thought maybe I should start looking at articles again since I am in a better place mentally and physically as well.
I have since realized that is not necessarily the truth. Yes, physically I am doing great...fantastic really-in fact if you didn't already know you wouldn't ever guess that I had been through the past year because I have no visible scars so to speak(and that doesn't include my boobie scars 'cause I don't generally go around showing those off, but I will if you ask b/c I think it is important for other women....and even men, to see that you can look ok and to take away the "taboo-ness" of breast cancer and mastectomies and reconstruction....however...I'm not gonna flash you in public so ask me in private if you want:D ) But mentally...I'm not so sure.
By that I mean....when I stop and think about it or read about it....I totally break down..literally sobbing and shaking because it scares me to death(I'm crying right now...which is making it incredibly hard to type-sheesh). My type of cancer has the highest rate of recurrence out there. And....the fastest rate of it too. And...if that wasn't enough to deal with....the worst rate of metastasizing in the brain too.......stupid STUPID cancer. And here is the final whammy.....those rates are not even relative to having lymph node involvement in the first instance of the cancer-which means even though all my nodes came back negative....that means nothing!!!!
Ultimately the worst part is this....none of the numbers are the same, but they are all bad and....I'm really scared....and I hate being scared-I don't watch horror movies for that precise reason....but I can't exactly click the remote to change the channel on this and so now I don't quite know what to do.
In some ways my journey has just begun...yes I did the chemo and the surgeries but.....that is comparable to getting all the supplies and loading the boat.....the actual voyage is through the murky waters of the next few years and the unforeseen dangers that could be lurking like the giant sea monsters of old. Yes, they probably aren't real but.......you can't be sure until you get safely to the other side...and as we all know now, while there may not in fact be giant serpents that prey on seafaring vessels...there are some big monsters of the deep out there and who knows what could set them off..let alone the unpredictable weather that can come in without sufficient warning!
So I am now floating into the dark.....sometimes paddling furiously(as if that will help-ha) and other times just letting the current take me at will, all the while knowing...even though I hope and pray against it, that I may not make it to the other side.
So I ask this of you, my wonderful family and friends....if you see me reading a cancer magazine or a health magazine please, please rip it out my hands, roll it up and whack me on the head with it! I promise to not take revenge and in fact, depending on where this might happen, I will probably bust up laughing at the reactions of anyone else around-and we all know how wonderfully therapeutic laughter is:)
So for now I will close my google tab with triple negative cancer results in it and wipe the tears and head outside, because it is a beautiful day in the Lou and the sun will do me some good.
Thanks for listening.
Blog ya later-
K
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