Whirlwind

It never ends.

This is the only conclusion I can come to at this point. Every single time I think I have finally gotten over the hump, past all of the junk, back to some sense of normality....and it hits me all over. And the worst part is ...it's not a logical cycle....it's maddening in the way it loops back in and on and around itself and I never know what is going to trigger any of it. They say there are 5 stages of grief;

1-denial- ok...we all know I have lived there off and on since the beginning
2-anger- yep..visited that one too
3-bargaining- hmmmmm....I don't know that I have hit that one simply because I can't even come up with any suitable thing to bargain with....ummmm if only my genes were different?!?!?! How would that even work?
4-depression- ok....that is a harder one...I would like to think that I am not depressed...but I am beginning to wonder if I am indeed....not like I'm gonna off myself, no worries...just ...sad....at all the changes and loss
5-acceptance- I totally thought I got to that one quickly, granted I had no choice but...

I just wonder if these aren't out of order for me.....and how long they are going to hang around? Can't I just get over this and move on? That is what I want but...like I said, the big ugly C doesn't seem to think that is the way it should go.

Basically two things have happened this week that have thrown me for this loop I am in.
1- I realized due to the fact that I am in incredible pain after pitchball practice that I may not ever be able to play baseball again....and I am sad, so sad it's hard to describe. Even though I haven't played other than with the kids for years..to have that taken from me too.....I'm just tried of being limited...and I hate being in pain because I have very good "mind over matter" abilities and its not working this time and I don't like it, not one bit.
2-I found out about a 10year old girl in Cali who even though she is still prepubescent has been diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer and will now have to have a mastectomy. I just sat and cried for 20 min when I saw the posting on it. And then I got scared....Lexi is 10...what would I do? This is not something I want her to ever have to deal with, and I already know that she has a 50/50 chance of having the BRCA2 gene from me but.....10?!?!? That would just break my heart. Don't worry, she is fine...it just hit way to close to home for me.

So now I sit....back in a fog in some ways...granted, it is a functioning fog, but a fog none the less. I can still do everything I normally do....I am just not "here" all the time. And...the worst part is the manifestation of this has been in the way I talk....I am searching for words. I know what it is, totally know what I want to say...but it won't come to me and when it does, it's more often than not just a similar sounding word...but generally not a synonym so it doesn't fit...and it is frustrating as all get out.

So now I shall go ice my hurts and then sit in the sun....maybe the Vitamin D will boost my spirits:)

Hope you all are getting and enjoying Spring finally:)

Blog ya later-
K