Sorry I haven't said anything for a while. A lot has been going on. I got the drains out that last Friday after I complained. The Dr. could see I was ready to do battle and instead of doing that, said ok and liked how things were looking and set me up with a fill up start date of yesterday. Which happened and was fine. Fortunately the port that the expanders get filled through is in areas of my skin that are numb-woo-hoo..something good has come of the mastectomies! It is tight...and kind of .......burny/tingly in the muscles as they stretch with the skin(altho not so much on the skin still, had extra of that left). There's a tightness again which was wearing off so we'll see how this goes. A total nil on the pain scale really, my scar area from the port is what has been "stinging" me lately..maybe its stretching too! Who knows?
But the emotional part of me has been in a whirlwind. In some ways its this weird Alice and the looking glass thing going on. All summer and fall I was strong and happy and ok mostly..mad some..but I was good, everyone else was freaking out. Now when I should be all happy and ok I am finally coming out of the self induced fog I created to survive and I am freaking out. My emotions are all over the place all the time and it is slowly driving me insane. Now hopefully this is a good thing and means my hormones are coming back, which just makes me laugh...its good I'm going insane...huh....who'd thunk it? but that's how C is....never what you think or envision or experienced before or anyone else did.
And I've suddenly realized(I know..I can be slow sometimes)..because I see them when I look down, I have lost my boobs....not the best of boobs, but they were all mine....and what I'm "growing" is Barbie boobs....ones that look perky under sweaters without a bra and are just this smooth shape that never moves....which has its advantages, yes, but the bottom line is this....they will never be mine. Dang, this is harder than I thought......I think for a while I may stop thinking so hard, it's giving me migraines...also a good sign my hormones are coming back.....
It is totally barbaric...I wish for insanity and migraines so I can get back to what will never be normal but the closest I'll ever get....
Sooo other than all that, I'm good:P
Still hoping for snow.............
Blog ya later-
K
1 comment:
Ditto...Ditto...Ditto to all that you said.
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