Not that I completely left…well I
kind of did…mostly I was just living on this wonderful river, it’s truly as
beautiful as you can imagine..ya know..DeNial….because I was done…tired of, no,
just done with the whole
breast cancer thing. I started this blog
as a place to express myself and then all that happened and it kind of took
over. Which actually was wonderfully therapeutic
for me and others and I AM very glad to have had that during that time but…when
I was “done” I didn’t know how to change it back. And I desperately wanted to change it back to
normal. I did not want to be “breast
cancer personified”…which in itself is a hilarious concept b/c I have
discovered of late that unless you know that about me…you wouldn’t know. (Did yall just get as annoyed with “know” as
I did?? Sigh…) But seriously I don’t look the part, of course I don’t quite
know(there it is again…grrr) what the part looks like anymore either. So I abandoned this blog and started another.
And as I sometimes do, I threw myself into it completely and did something I
generally don’t do…I didn’t clarify enough what my goal was, so that I ended up
not being able to do what I wanted and have since abandoned that too! And then in May I started the 5 month odyssey
of turning “5”….huh 5 months…5…..interesting……and
it has brought me to the realization as I’ve now traveled through 4 of those 5
months….I AM breast cancer personified….for me…for my daughters…for my husband….and
possibly for many out there. Does that
mean I suddenly want to embrace it…no…but it means that I am learning to do
that because I have to, I need to for me, for them. Don’t worry I’m not going all pink, but I
probably won’t cringe so much.
So why the change….well…the BRCA2 in
all honesty. On July 30th my
world went all topsy turvy again and this month has been a very long one. In many ways this journey was quite similar
to my BC one but with a different outcome thankfully. During my annual onc appt we decided to run
the numbers for ovarian cancer too because it had been a couple years and just
to have everything covered. And I have
been in “negotiations” with my gyno for ohhh about 5 years now as to whether I
got to keep my ovaries and normality or would have to lose that too. We had agreed on a partial solution to that
in June, taking the tubes only, and I was running it by the onc because I run
EVERYTHING by her and she was fine with it, although she suggested to just get
rid of it all, but that was it…nothing more….no worries. Until the office called the next morning and
said my levels very highly elevated and I was to get ultrasounds ASAP and can
we schedule them for tomorrow? *head spinning, ears filling with the silent
screams in my head Noooooooooo* And so we began the journey of WTHormones??????
The scans came back with nothing obviously
cancerous but….(I hate buts don’t yall???) there was a cyst on the right ovary
so off to an onocolgical gynecologist(which for the record the TM steadfastly
insists is a made-up term :/ ). He is actually a really nice guy, with a VERY
cute intern…..oh yeah that was superfun having the intern give me a vaginal
exam….here young boy who looks like he just stepped off the campus…go ahead and
look into my inner parts and I will try not to burst into flames and/or slide
off the table……okay, so I didn’t slide off but I am 100% sure I did actually
turn redder than red….but they said basically you have a choice, but you really
don’t(yeah..that but word again :/ ) and since I’m going to take your ovaries
and tubes….why don’t I just take your uterus and cervix too??? I mean you’re done making babies so why do
you need that stuff, right?
And here is where I go into
full-blown meltdown…… first let me start by saying, Yes, I am completely done
with making babies…I was done 12 years ago…but…BUT that does mean I am thrilled
with yall taking the last remaining parts which technically make me the
crazy-whackadoodle female I am that yall love….abso-frickafracken-lutely
NOT!!!!! I repeat, NO, I am NOT happy
about this….am I doing it…yes..and in fact it is done, I am now at 11 days
post-op so it is done….but I am still not happy about it and why is everyone
trying to convince me it is not such a big thing and no big deal?????? I just got rid of the parts which make me me…..I
am sorry but I like that I cry at commercials and on certain days of the month
can fly into a Valkyrie rage…I think it is all part of the package that is me….and
just as important…I like sex…I really enjoy it…ok…mom and aunts…I probably
should have warned ya but hey…it is what it is.
I am only 40(yes soon to be 41 but I still feel 23!!!! :D ) and…I don’t
like the idea of just when I was getting back to enjoying me and my body, because
I had a fabulous past two years as I got comfortable in being me again…of losing
that….of losing me…of being on freaking hormones for years…..YEARS….I’m only
40!!!!!
Sooooo I’ve decided to come back to
where it all started to continue the journey that was set upon regardless of my
detours and to now chronicle the next leg…which I shall dub “HH” aka Hysterically Hormonal…..yeah..take that
in the many ways it could mean because I am quite sure I will touch on them all
at some point or another!
I have no idea where this will take
me…us….but…here we go!
Blog ya later-
K
PS…There was absolutely NO cancer
found in anything they removed from me…WHEW…but there were two cysts, one on
each ovary(cuz yanno how I like my symmetry ..bwahahaha) and endometriosis in the left
fallopian tube….so yes it was still for the best because regardless of those
things…I will never have to worry about the OC beast for me….for others, always…but
I like one less thing to worry about!
No comments:
Post a Comment